Hero Cops Free from Indictment

Hero cops Timothy Loehmann (left) and Frank Garmback (center) who bravely and against all odds, ended the reign of terror of Tamir E. Rice, 12 in November 2014 (AP)

By QASEEM KASSEM    Dec. 30, 2015

CLEVELAND, OH – Police officers Timothy Loehmann and Frank Garmback, the two officers who heroically shot local menace, 12 year-old Tamir E. Rice to death in November 2014, were not indicted by the grand jury this week, putting everyone’s mind comfortably at ease.

On November 22, 2014, Garmback and Loehmann responded to a 911 call that a black man was walking around a local park with a gun.  The man in question, 12 year-old Tamir E. Rice, was thought to look much older than his age.  Even though Ohio – the state where the shooting occurred – is an open-carry state, officers Garmback and Loehmann rightly-assumed that the black man was not a legal adult gun owner exercising his rights under state law but in fact, local child and feared career criminal, Tamir Rice.

Responding appropriately, the hero cops drove their police cruiser to within a few feet of Rice, screaming at him to put his hands in the air.  When Rice tried to mercilessly gun down the two officers, Loehmann barely managed to out-draw Rice, shooting him twice before the vehicle had even stopped moving, ending Tamir Rice’s reign of terror.

Loehmann and Garmback – considered heroes by all – have been under unfair scrutiny for the past year, anticipating a malicious, politically-motivated indictment by the grand jury in the shooting.

Said Loehmann of the incident, last December, “There are people out there who might say that Garmback and I acted irresponsibly by failing to properly assess the situation before we acted.  There are people out there who claim that Tamir Rice was just a kid playing with a toy gun, and we should have exercised restraint rather than immediately escalate into a shootout.  There are people who have pointed out that a white man carrying a gun in an open-carry state wouldn’t have been shot by the cops.  There are people out there who say that my past psychological evaluations and failure to demonstrate  firearm proficiency should have disqualified me from having the job of an armed police officer.  But that’s all irrelevant.  If the grand jury wants to indict me, they can indict me.  All I know is that Tamir Rice’s choke hold on this city is ended, and no matter what happens to me, I know that this one simple act of heroism saved many, many more lives than it cost.”

Loehmann, who had previously been unable to land a job as a police officer with at least three different departments due to consistently failing entrance exams, before finally being partnered with Garmback,  was relieved this week – as was everyone else in America – when the grand jury did not hand down an indictment in the Rice shooting.

Speaking before the press, Chief of Police Calvin Williams said today, “We’re all relieved, all of us on the force, today.  With Tamir Rice’s criminal enterprise all but a memory now, the grand jury’s decision has finally closed this dark chapter in the lives of hero cops Loehmann and Garmback.”

When questioned about the validity of the shooting, where it was demonstrated that Rice was not holding or aiming the weapon at the police, merely raising his shirt to show the officers the gun, Williams replied that Rice’s actions were clearly criminal, as any hero cop’s gut would have told them, “Rolling right up to within arm’s reach of a suspect in a police cruiser and screaming at them to put their hands in the air should have a calming effect, especially if the suspect is only a child… unless – of course – they have something to hide.”

“All of our investigations have come to the same conclusion:  Tamir E. Rice acted completely out-of-line in this situation, and Loehmann and Garmback are nothing short of heroes,” continued Williams.  “I mean, it’s possible that Rice was terrified and lifted his shirt to show the officers that the gun was just a toy but who can say?  For all we know, it was a real gun that he was about to use to kill both of the officers who had rushed to confront him without fully-assessing the situation.  Really, we’ll never know if that gun was real or not.  It’s safer to assume that it was real, if you ask me.”  Added Williams, “You know, I may not always approve of Loehmann and Garmback’s methods but damn it, they get results.”

When reached for comment, hero cop Timothy Loehmann discharged his weapon into the air multiple times and shouted, “Woo-hoo, motherfuckers!”

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Flops at Box Office

Pictured:  characters nobody cares about, from a movie no one will see (AP)

By JONATHAN KIM    Dec. 28, 2015

LOS ANGELES – Fulfilling the direst of predictions from earlier this year, the December release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a monumental failure, both critically and commercially.

2015 saw a growing push-back against what small segments of the viewing public saw as progressive politics being inserted into beloved film franchises, with accusations of a liberal or feminist agenda informing such films as Mad Max: Fury Road and Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Indeed, prominent Canadian film critic Aaron Clarey, well-known for his keen grasp of popular culture, decried Fury Road as feminist propaganda that depicted women in leadership roles, something that is impossible and unheard of in the real world.  Of the film – the fourth in the iconic Australian film franchise that is a hallmark of uniquely-Australian culture – Clarey wrote that the movie was, “guaranteed to be nothing more than feminist propaganda… a piece of American culture ruined.”

While Clarey and other online commentators – many identifying as right-wingers or “white nationalists on paper” – tried to warn the viewing public against the slow creep of feminist propaganda, the studios were not deterred.  Sadly, Fury Road opened to empty theaters, essentially bankrupting Warner Brothers overnight.

Similar to the Fury Road debacle, Disney’s new Star Wars film allegedly features not only a woman, but also a man of color as its two protagonists, a sure indicator that this latest entry in the beloved science-fiction franchise is another Trojan-horse attempt to brainwash audience members with progressive propaganda.

Renowned Canadian film critic and household name, Davis M.J. Aurini, being staunchly pro-white and anti-feminism, wrote of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, “the underlying message of the movie is that men – and White men in particular – are useless, destructive failures,” and encouraged audiences to stay away.

Undeterred by the negative feedback as well as the “ironically” racist Twitter hashtag, #BoycottStarWarsVII, which gained traction among the general viewing public in October of this year, Disney released Star Wars: The Force Awakens during the Christmas season.  Sadly, in a repeat of the Mad Max: Fury Road release, Star Wars opened to empty theaters, with Disney suffering losses in the billions.

“We’re flabbergasted,” said Bob Iger, CEO of The Walt Disney Company.  “We thought we’d be able to sneak our nefarious subliminal messages of female superiority, miscegenation and the impotence of the White Man into this film and brainwash the viewing public.  We just never believed we’d have a repeat of Fury Road on our hands.”

While Disney suffered a massive hit, with The Force Awakens failing to sell even a single ticket, Iger was optimistic about the company’s future.  “We’ve certainly learned from this mistake,” said Iger.  “Where we initially thought that the criticisms levied against the film were coming from a very backwards, regressive minority of racists and misogynists, we understand now that the world just isn’t ready for things like a female protagonist, or a black main character.”

As of press time, Disney had announced that it will be recouping its losses with a re-make of the silent-era classic, The Birth of a Nation.  The D.W. Griffith film that depicted the Ku Klux Klan as triumphant heroes in post-Civil War America will be helmed by Mel Gibson.  Bruce Willis will star.  No women or people of color will appear in the film.

J.J. Abrams, director of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, will never work in Hollywood again.

Man Who Enjoys Mocking the Disabled is Actually Extremely Disabled

Republican Presidential front-runner, Donald Trump, seen here both mocking – and being – a disabled person (CNN)

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS    Dec. 28, 2015

COLUMBIA, SC – Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump caused a stir last month when he appeared to mock physically-disabled reporter Serge Kovaleski at a rally in South Carolina, raising concerns that Trump’s apparent mental disability could affect his bid for the Presidency.

Those close to Trump’s campaign were quick to allay concerns about the candidate’s behavior.  One campaign worker, speaking under condition of anonymity, reported that, “For someone in his situation, he’s really come a long way.  He loves it that people love him.  That’s good for him, you know?  The last thing any of us want to do is rain on the little guy’s parade.”

Trump, a real-estate magnate with a tenuous business sense who inherited his wealth, managed to turn a nearly $200 million inheritance from his father into $4 billion, which, according to financial adviser Alvin Hall, “would be considered impressive until you address the fact that simply by prudently investing the inheritance, he would have about $10 billion more than he currently does.”  Hall, who grew up in poverty and owes his financial success to the lessons imparted to him by his grandmother at an early age, went on to say, “After a couple decades of astonishing financial ineptitude, four bankruptcies and a simply massive amount of government assistance, corporate welfare, and bailouts, it’s pretty clear that the fellow has no concept of money or how to handle it.”  Hall shook his head, adding, “Poor little guy.”

“He seems to have a lot of difficulty expressing himself in accordance with polite society,” said Marilyn S. Albert, Ph.D., Director of Cognitive Neuroscience at Johns Hopkins.  “You can see by the manner in which he communicates that he’s more interested in how people react to him, rather than the ideas he’s communicating. ”  Referring to Trump’s various comments about female public figures, Albert added, “He certainly has a fascination with women and their anatomy, which is understandable for someone like him.  It’s natural but again, he doesn’t know how to express it properly.  His very vocal fixations with Megyn Kelly’s menstrual cycle and Hillary Clinton’s excretions are partially his way of coming to terms with a sexuality he isn’t mentally-prepared to confront, but mostly, he sees the kind of reactions those fixations create, and he sees it as positive because it gives him more attention.  He’s clearly very attention-focused and becomes very agitated when he isn’t the center of attention, which is something you see a lot in cases like his, the poor dear.”

When approached for comment, Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump’s daughter, said that, “Well, sometimes he doesn’t really seem to understand the things that he’s saying.  Like, maybe he sees something on TV and just repeats it, much later, and no one really has any idea where he got it.”  Referring to an interview the Presidential candidate gave in 2003 where he stated, “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her,” Ms. Trump cringed, “I know that to hear someone say that is pretty disturbing – particularly in reference to my posing nude in a men’s magazine – but you have to remember that he doesn’t really get a lot of the stuff he says, he just says it.”  Ms. Trump frowned and sighed, adding, “Poor, poor sweet dad.”

Analyzing a recording of a recent Trump rally, political strategist James Carville offered a different perspective.  “When you see what he’s doing, it’s actually brilliant,” exclaimed Carville.  “It’s like he’s on a whole different level!  It’s a multi-dimensional chess game at its best!  Just think about it:  You pander to the most unhinged, racist, sexist, borderline-fascist elements of the GOP and you get the nomination by proving beyond a doubt that the foundation of the party has been rotted out by the extremists, and then you use the votes of those very people to catapult yourself into office!  Once you’re there you implement across-the-board progressive policies, completely contradictory to your platform and your supporters.  You expose the GOP for the fools that they are and establish a progressive, liberal agenda at the same time!  It’s simply brilliant… it’s just… it’s….”  Carville then hanged his head, “No… no, I can’t do this.  I can’t.  It’s not right.  I mean, just look at that poor little fellow.  Just look at him.”

As of press time, Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, as he is still hard at work on the campaign trail, and still very, very mentally-disabled, bless his heart.

 

United States Military Once Again Stopped Dead in its Tracks by Well-Armed Populace

A USMC sniper team is recalled to base in Illinois after intelligence indicated that a teenager in nearby Centralia, IL owns an AR-15 rifle, forcing the US military to cease its latest attempt to impose martial law on the nation (Daryl Redmond/AP)

 

By DOUGLAS HELLER    Dec. 28, 2015

WASHINGTON – Citing a citizenry armed with an increasing number of semi-automatic handguns, easily-modifiable sporting rifles and a number of hunting rifles, the United States Military was forced to abandon its imperative of imposing nation-wide martial law.

Paul J. Selva, Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, voiced his disappointment with yet another failed attempt by the US government to impose its will upon an ever-vigilant populace.

“Once again,” said Selva, “we have been thwarted.  Despite years of planning and decades of experience earned from our previous attempts to turn the entirety of the United States into a dystopian, fascist regime through our use of superior military force, we were again outmatched by millions of Americans who own civilian and – in some cases – military-grade firearms.”

Major General Stephen M. Twitty, commander of the 1st Armored Division, stated that “Our armored brigades, capable of rapid tactical deployment into direct combat against ground forces, can’t hold a candle to the overwhelming might of a disorganized population of gun owners.  While it’s been demonstrated time and time again that military-styled civilian rifles pose no threat whatsoever to the general citizenry, a semi-automatic AR-15 is the only tool capable of stopping an M1A2 Abrams tank dead in its tracks.”

Admiral Michael S. Rogers, commander of the United States Cyber Command also expressed disappointment.  “We always assumed that our operatives’ inconceivable level of technical acumen, coupled with the near-total computerization of this country’s infrastructure would give us an advantage over the flow of information and resources throughout the nation,” lamented Rogers.  “But how are we supposed to utilize our vastly superior technology to utterly cut off the entire Eastern Seaboard’s access to power, communication, water and emergency services if some kid in Alabama just taught himself to bump-fire his sporting rifle?  Or because some guy in California owns a .50 caliber sniper rifle?  How are we supposed to contend with that?  We’re dead in the water.”

Drone operator Sgt. Megan Hoffman confirmed that her unit’s operations had also been severely compromised by an armed citizenry, essentially rendering the military’s thousands of unmanned drones impotent.

“You’d think that sporting rifles were only good for mass shootings or tragic accidents,” said Hoffman, “but in reality, they’re the only thing preventing someone like me from performing a point-blank tactical missile strike against a target the size of a keyhole with a supernatural level of accuracy using a joystick and a keyboard from the safety of a control room five hundred miles away.  How is an unmanned drone operator like me supposed to compete with someone who owns a Bushmaster ACR?  Thank heavens that no one in ISIS has access to sporting rifles, or I’d be out of a job.”

Meanwhile, armed citizen Luke Andrew Bowman, 24, of Oregon, was still reeling from accidentally shooting his two year-old niece in the face while he was cleaning a loaded .45 caliber pistol earlier this week.

Reached for comment, Bowman said “I mean, it was scary to accidentally shoot my niece right in her face like that, sure.  But if I was to get rid of my gun, there’d be nothing to prevent President Obama from targeting my home with a nuclear strike.  My niece’s face is a small price to pay when weighed against the perpetual threat of government tyranny.”

Two Armed White Suspects Mercifully Taken Alive After Attempting to Murder Police Officers

Jack Welninski (left) and Kenneth Maldonado (center) were subdued and arrested very much alive after ambushing Northwood, OH police with a sawed-off shotgun.  John H. Crawford III (right) was immediately killed by the police for carrying a toy gun in a Wal-Mart (AP)

By QASEEM KASSEM    Dec. 20, 2015

NORTHWOOD, OH – Officer Krystal Sellers-Kominek, a Northwood officer-in-training, spoke to the press today on the heels of a shooting that tragically left one suspect – a white woman – dead, but two white male suspects mercifully alive.

Accompanied by Northwood police Chief Thomas Cairl, Sellers-Kominek detailed her role in the shooting, stating that, “After the male suspect – who was white – broke away and led us on a chase, one or both of the other suspects – who were also white – ambushed us with gunfire.”

Of all the officers involved in the shootout, Sellers-Kominek was the only one who did not discharge her weapon, while all the other officers waited until they were under clear and direct threat of gunfire before they even considered using deadly force as an option.

When asked why Sellers-Kominek refrained from engaging in the shootout, Chief Cairl fielded the response, saying “Training is unfortunately very unclear in this area.  There are definite procedures in place that virtually every local law-enforcement agency in the country adheres to when – say – engaging with an unarmed black person.  For example, the shooting deaths of Michael Brown, Jr., Juan May, Zikarious Flint, Antoine Dominique Hunter, Jerame C. Reid, Yvette Smith, Emerson Clayton, Jr., Michael Laray Dozer, Jason Harrison, Lavall Hall, Eric Harris, Walter Scott, Brandon Glenn, Kris Jackson, Spencer McCain, Samuel DuBose and the list just goes on and on and on… those are all cut-and-dry, by-the-books shootings.”

“Oh!  And let’s also not forget Tamir E. Rice, who was a little black boy shot within seconds of police response for carrying what the 911 call described as a toy gun, or John H. Crawford III, who was shot to death by police at a Wal-Mart for walking around with a bb gun that he was about to purchase from Wal-Mart.”  Cairl then chuckled to himself, “That’s some fine police work, right there.”

“However,” Chief Cairl continued, “there is no clear-cut response in law-enforcement training in this country for when one or more armed white people – armed in this case with semi-automatic handguns and a sawed-off shotgun – resist arrest, flee the police and then attempt to murder the same police in an ambush,” Cairl shrugged and added, “We can’t just shoot white people, you know, which is why I feel that Officer Sellers-Kominek, by not shooting at the white suspects, fulfilled her duty to a greater capacity than the senior Officers involved.”

The senior officers involved in the shooting, who fired upon the white suspects, have all been suspended without pay pending an investigation by an outside agency and will presumably be fired.

Tragically, one of the white suspects, registered sex-offender Erica Lauro, 22, was killed but thankfully the two white male suspects survived the shootout – which only began after the suspects opened fire on the officers, and not while they were standing before the officers unarmed and with their hands raised – and are being held on bond, alive and well, thank merciful god.

 

Michael Moore Apologizes After Scathing Twitter Criticism from Miss Puerto Rico

Michael Moore (left), Academy Award-Winning filmmaker and activist and Destiny Velez, beauty pageant-winner with a Twitter account (AP)

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS   Dec. 19, 2015

FLINT, MI – Filmmaker Michael Moore, a bombastic media personality with thirty years of experience in crafting Academy Award-winning documentary films, made an emotional appeal to the press today, apologizing for his decades-long body of progressive activism and divisive work after an incisive Twitter take-down on his opinion of Islam by Destiny Vélez, Miss Puerto Rico.

Earlier this week, Moore protested Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s Islamophobic rhetoric by holding a sign reading “We Are All Muslim” outside of Trump Towers until the police requested that he leave.  The low-key, one-man protest drew a deluge of ire from the media, but none quite as insightful and damning as that of Miss Vélez.

Vélez, a person with a Twitter account, working thumbs and functioning motor skills, lambasted the filmmaker via social media over his stunt at Trump Towers, a scathing rebuttal to his protest that has had a profound impact on his worldview and his personal politics.

“All what Muslims have done is provided oil & terrorize this country & many others!!!!!!” wrote Miss Vélez, whose success at demonstrating beauty and poise on a stage in front of a panel of judges has provided her with a keen and nuanced grasp of international politics.

“Muslims use our constitution to terrorize USA & plant gas stations,” Tweeted Miss Vélez, “all they do is build their mosques, feel offended by American values and terrorize innocent Americans and plant gas stations and get guns and kills innocent ppl and destroy precious artifacts”

“I never really though about things that way,” confided Moore.  “I know I can be obnoxious at times, and I always thought that I was coming from a position that supported a healthy, inclusive worldview but now I’m not so sure.”

“I honestly hadn’t taken into account the fact that Muslims come here and plant gas stations,” lamented Moore. “But they do, they irrefutably do.  To some, Miss Vélez’s statements might sound like a nonsensical racist diatribe with no basis in reality – or, basic grammar for that matter – but it really struck at the heart of me.  It really made me think.”

Miss Puerto Rico’s detailed and impassioned analysis of the issue of Islamophobia in modern culture, including such insights as “Muslims cover their women so I don’t think they worship pageants,” stymied Moore.

“I’ve already abandoned my most recent project,” said Moore, who is instead underway on a documentary tentatively titled Perpetual Jihad: America Under Threat.  “Basically, the new film will explore how all Muslims are evil, how they hate beauty pageants and how they plant gas stations.”  Moore shook his head sadly, “My god… the gas stations.”

His eyes welling up with tears, Moore concluded, “I can’t believe I’ve been so blind for so long.  Thank heavens for Miss Puerto Rico.”

Miss Vélez could not be reached for comment.  Sources close to the beauty pageant winner confirmed that she was screaming obscenities at a bush that she had mistaken for Michael Moore.

Justice Scalia Offers Dissenting Opinion on Fisher v University of Texas

Justice Antonin Scalia (left) and Justice Clarence Thomas discuss Fisher v University of Texas (Jordan Hamilton/AP)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    Dec. 18, 2015

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, after hearing opinions from Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Justice Sonia Sotomayor, weighed in with his dissenting opinion on Fisher v University of Texas, today.

“Oh shooda, ah, manga wanjee kohkpah.  Peecha wahnjee kohkpa tahng nahngee toochantkee troi,” began Scalia, addressing the lawsuit that has seen an academically-average white student attempt to claim discrimination for not getting into the college of her choice.

Scalia reaffirmed his initial view of the case, saying that “Yoobah koh ra doh ka mallo wampa mah yass ka chung kawah wookiee,” implying that he had not been convinced by the defense’s arguments.

“Ya koon tacha poonoo nee sah, gee,” Scalia added, “Pah. Manga wonjee kohkpa, oong Jedi. Chool kanya wee shaja mee-choo.”

Scalia, who is well-known for being a strict constructionist as well as an iron-fisted Hutt crime lord from the planet Tatooine, reminded his fellow justices that “Il yabba ma dookee mahs tah, icht boong cheekoh pahn na green nahp meet’noh toh pohnkee dohkoh lah choya!”

Scalia then swallowed a Klatooine paddy frog whole, before licking his lips with his enormous tongue and patting his expansive green belly.  He concluded his opinion by paraphrasing a previous statement on the issue of college admissions and affirmative action, saying, “Like I said before, blacks would be better off in slower schools, anyways.”

Scalia then departed for the Pit of Carkoon, where he intends to oversee the execution of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo from the comfort of his personal pleasure barge.

White Person Too Dumb to Understand Discrimination Upset She Didn’t Get Into a Better School

Abigail Fisher (left), about to say something pretty dumb while attorney Bert Rein waits his turn (Toni Cheade/AP)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    Dec. 17, 2015

AUSTIN, TX – Abigail Fisher, a very dumb white person from Texas accustomed to getting whatever she wants pretty much all the time, met the press today ahead of going before the Supreme Court of the United States for a second time.

Abigail, who suffers from an inability to understand even slightly-nuanced concepts like discrimination, addressed the press.

“White people in the United States – especially in my home state of Texas – have suffered discrimination for far too long.”

Abigail’s struggle and ensuing court battle – arguably one of the dumbest to go before the United States Supreme Court in its two hundred and twenty-five year history – hinges entirely upon the fact that she didn’t get something that she wanted this one time.

Rejected from the University of Texas for not satisfying academic standards, Abigail reiterated the dumbness of her struggle by reminding the press that, “The year I was rejected, other people were accepted… people who aren’t me.  Some of those people weren’t white. If that doesn’t prove that the college was engaged in systemic discrimination against whites, I don’t know what does.  I’m not dumb, that’s outright racism.”

Abigail, who is dumb, then took questions from the press.

When asked how she could consider her rejection from the University of Texas racial discrimination when only five applicants of color were accepted, while 168 applicants of color who possessed Abigail’s same academic qualifications were likewise rejected, Abigail simply stared into space until a reporter snapped his fingers in front of Abigail’s face.

Startled, Abigail shrieked, having clearly forgotten where she was.  Her attorney, Bert Rein, frantically ushered her from the room.

After the Supreme Court of the United States hears Abigail’s case, it will hear arguments from Bruce Godfrey, a Texas man suing Denmark-based LEGO Group after he suffered medical complications from eating an entire Star Wars-themed play set manufactured by the company.

Obama Struggles to Maintain Growing Number of False Flag Operations

President Barack Obama, suffering from exhaustion, poses as the parent of a phony shooting victim during a phone interview with the Washington Post (Jordan Hamilton/AP)

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS   Dec. 16, 2015

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has been working night and day in order to plan, co-ordinate, and manage a staggering number of false flag operations, sources close to the President say.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one source related, “It’s crazy. I’ve never seen someone work so hard. As everyone knows, the growing number of mass shootings in the United States are all phony, staged operations planned by the government in an effort to undermine the 2nd Amendment and strip the population of its right to bear arms, but the feeling around the office is that the President is pushing himself far too hard on this one.”

With such shootings appearing to occur nearly daily in the United States, the orchestration and staging of such events in a way to make them believable to the American public requires an unparalleled number of personnel and man hours, but as resources became stretched, the President himself was forced to take over direct management of the operations.

“Normally, we would have teams of handlers, media specialists, actors to play the “shooters,” the “victims,” the “families,” the “witnesses,” entire offices dedicated to just maintaining the illusion that all of these people and events are actually real, but then we encounter the issue of having to pay all those people, we have to provide overhead, we have to ensure that none of the thousands of people involved in the conspiracy ever decide to blow the whistle. Eventually, just ensuring that the management layer remains intact required as much management as the actual operations, themselves. Finally, the President decided to just take over the orchestration of these false flag operations himself, cutting out all the middle-men.”

Of course, dissolving an ongoing conspiracy of such magnitude is a full-time job unto itself. “We had to let a lot of people go,” our source confided, “but President Obama has been careful to maintain good relationships with all involved and it goes without saying that everyone had to sign an NDA.  We’re confident that for the remainder of his life, President Obama will be able to micro-manage the details of this entire operation to ensure the truth never actually comes out.”  The source added, “But man… the poor guy is really burning the candle at both ends.”

As of press time, the President was unable to provide comment. Our source told us that the President – bleary-eyed and running purely on caffeine – had just climbed into a pickup truck in order to grudgingly drive to a mall in Arkansas, saying that he would “Just do this one my damn self.”

Sporting Rifle Expresses Concern at Unfair Characterization as an “Assault Rifle”

The perfectly harmless AR 15 sporting rifle (Toni Cheade/AP)

 

By DOUGLAS HELLER   Dec. 14, 2015

WASHINGTON – At a press conference today, an AR 15 sporting rifle addressed concerns that sporting rifles around the United States are facing unfair and systemic discrimination.

“Something that I want to make perfectly clear,” said the sporting rifle as it adjusted its high-capacity 5.56-caliber magazine, capable of carrying up to a whopping sixty rounds, “Sporting rifles are being maliciously characterized by the anti-gun lobby in this country as “assault rifles,” an unfair and entirely hurtful descriptor, as we’re little more than civilian-model hunting rifles.”

Able to fire a round with just a trigger-pull – rather than having to manually load one bullet into the chamber at a time like traditional hunting rifles – the sporting rifle quickly cracked off five shots in half as many seconds before continuing.  “To call something like me, a perfectly harmless firearm that is incapable of facilitating something as horrifying as a mass shooting, an “assault rifle” is cruel and dehumanizing.”

The sporting rifle was quick to dispel any myths that sporting rifles as a group were in any way a threat to the general public. “Look at the M16!  Now that thing is capable of select-fire, which makes it way more dangerous.  So when you think about it, it’s really just dumb to refer to me as an assault rifle.  It’s truly ignorant.  I mean, I’m only even capable of semi-automatic fire… unless of course you “bump-fire” me into a fully-automatic weapon capable of spraying a room with an entire magazine in mere seconds, simply by purchasing a modified grip or just with the crafty application of a sturdy rubber-band.” The sporting rifle snickered and added, “Regulate that, Obama!”

The sporting rifle took a moment to zero-in its holographic sight – which provides pinpoint accuracy in any lighting condition, from the blaring midday sun of a college campus to the confusing darkness of a movie theater – before offering its closing statements.

“In short, sporting rifles have been demonized in this country thanks to nothing but spiteful, harmful politics and a government intent on taking away our civil liberties.  If I hear myself or any other sporting rifle referred to as an assault rifle one more time, I swear I’m going to have an aneurysm.”

The sporting rifle then folded up its modified stock, making it easily concealable within a backpack, and was taken to a local high school, where its responsible owner then used it to assault 26 people within 20 minutes, killing them all.