Law Enforcement Mystified by Ongoing Protests

Heavily-armed police officers aim loaded assault rifles at an unarmed African American man who is probably extremely dangerous as a post office box looks on (AP)

 

By DOUGLAS HELLER    June 2, 2020

WASHINGTON – As protests continue across the United States and the world at large, local law enforcement agents grow increasingly confused by the groundswell of activist opposition. With President Donald Trump instructing governors to dominate demonstrators through the use of force, and with the deployment of the national guard to many cities around the country, law enforcement officials are astonished that protests have persevered and – in many instances – grown in size and intensity.

“It’s a mystery to me,” Deputy Aaron Schmidt told reporters as he sat behind the wheel of a police cruiser. A number of protesters had formed a wall in front of Schmidt’s vehicle, though the street behind him was unobstructed. “It’s like, we keep coming out in an escalating show of force, but for some reason the general population doesn’t seem to be submitting.” When a traffic cone bounced off the roof of Deputy Schmidt’s cruiser, he ended the interview and deliberately plowed into the protesters with his vehicle.

“It defies all logic,” Officer Jerry Bush told a local newswoman covering the demonstrations in downtown Los Angeles. One of a hundred fully-armored riot cops hemming a group of peaceful protesters into a fenced-off parking lot, Officer Bush expressed complete confusion. “At first, things are pretty normal, right? And then the protests start, and then the looters show up, but when we deploy hundreds and hundreds of riot cops with shotguns and teargas and this, like, Robocop armor that I’m wearing, for some reason everyone just get more agitated? What’s wrong with these people?” Officer Bush then violently shoved the reporter into a fire hydrant as he and a hundred riot cops abruptly charged into the group of protesters.

Officer Stanley Kyle, in the process of kneeling on a reporter’s back, told the reporter, “It’s just strange to me that these protesters here in the US are just so much more prone to violence. I mean, you look at the UK and other places where local cops don’t have access to military gear, and aren’t trained to treat the public like enemy combatants, and somehow they still have fewer problems with the citizenry than we do. It truly boggles the mind. It’s almost like some sort of historical pattern of abuse and militarization– oh, whatever.” At that point, Officer Kyle pepper sprayed the subdued reporter in the face.

“It’s incredibly bizarre,” Officer John Kent told reporters, pausing to kick a surrendered protester to the pavement. “Like, the more militarized we become, the more force we use on civilians, the more and more the civilians push back. People don’t seem to understand that they have to be 100% with us, or they’re 100% against us. Can’t they just be subservient? We’re not public servants like mailmen or something; we’re the police for Christ’s sake! Acquiesce to our authority and no one else has to get hurt. Jeez, people.”

When reached for comment, national security adviser Robert C. O’Brien told a reporter, “I mean, sure there a few bad apples, but…” O’Brien proceeded to stand in total silence for several seconds until police were able to pacify the reporter with a volley of rubber bullets.

Op-Ed: I’m Jamie Gilt, Pro-Gun Internet Celebrity, and I’m About to Get Shot in the Back By My 4 Year-Old Son

Jamie Gilt, posing with a child and a firearm in an image that boldly attempts to redefine irony (Jamie Gilt).

 

By JAMIE GILT    Mar. 10, 2016

Hi, all!  I’m Jamie Gilt, and if you know anything about me, you know I distrust our oppressive government, I love horses, and I fully encourage everyone to own guns and – moreover – teach their children the proper and safe use of firearms.
 

There are all kinds of unfair, pernicious myths surrounding guns and gun owners.
 

Some like to characterize us as smug bullies more obsessed with rubbing our 2nd Amendment rights in the faces of anyone who disagrees with us than we are with the actual safety of innocent people in our own country.
 

Some say that we self-identify so strongly with gun ownership that we refuse to accept the statistical reality that the United States has the highest rate of firearms-related homicides, suicides, and accidental deaths among all developed First World countries.

 

Some people think it’s crass and borderline evil to constantly trot out the completely-irrelevant nuance between an “assault rifle” and a “sporting rifle,” rather than address the indisputable fact – like actual adults – that sporting rifles are regularly responsible for the grisliest mass shootings carried out in our country.

 

Well, you all know me, you know I believe first and foremost in gun safety, which is why I’ve trained my 4 year-old son to be utterly proficient in the use of firearms, something you naysayers would never accept because you insist upon characterizing gun evangelists like myself as at best irresponsible and at worst, callous and self-absorbed.

 

Well, I’m sitting here in my truck, with my 4 year-old son in the back seat, and I’m here to tell you that OH SHIT!  OH MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!

 

HOLY SHITTING FUCK!  HOLY SHITTING FUCK THAT HURTS!  FUCK THAT HURTS!!!  FUCKING FUCKING FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

 

Oh Christ!  Oh sweet Jesus Christ!  Oh God!  Oh God!  Oh, don’t let me die, here!  Oh God!

 

Honey!  Oh fucking shitting FUCK, my back!  Honey, put mommy’s gun down!  Mommy’s not angry… mommy just needs you to put the gun down, she just needs you to put the handgun that she left sitting next to you – loaded – in the back seat down, and not shoot mommy in the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BACK AGAIN!

 

Don’t cry… don’t cry, honey.  I said don’t CRY!  I’M the one who was SHOT!!!  What are YOU crying for???

 

Oh sweet Lord… oh sweet Lord in Heaven… if you see me through this I swear, I swear I will NOT learn a single thing from this experience and I’ll continue to champion unfettered gun ownership throughout the United States like an irresponsible narcissist.

 

I swear.

 

Holy SHIT this hurts!

 

Editor’s Note:  Jamie Gilt is an outspoken proponent for gun ownership who was actually, literally shot in the back by her own 4 year-old son.  That’s a thing that really happened in the real world.  She survived and, to date, has learned nothing from the incident.

 

 

Open Letter From the Editor: On the Brock Turner Verdict

A photograph of Brock Turner, a convicted sex offender, taken right after he sexually assaulted someone (AP)

 

Dear Dan A. Turner and Leslie Rasmussen:

 

What the fuck is wrong with you two?

 

Sincerely,

Demetrius Edgemont Parker, III
Editor in Chief
Very Real News

Bundy Children Refuse to Quit Playing in Their Fort and Just Come in Out of the Cold

Nevada child Ammon Bundy (left) and friends pitched simply precious homemade signs outside of their clubhouse warning against “Tyranical (sic) Goverment (sic)” (AP)

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS    Jan. 5, 2016

BURNS, OR – Having taken refuge in an empty building in the empty snowbound woods 30 miles from nearby Burns, Oregon, the children of Cliven and Carol Bundy – along with a handful of their friends – simply refuse to stop pretending to be cowboys and just come in from the cold.

On January 4, 2016, Ammon and Ryan Bundy – two of Cliven and Carol Bundy’s 14 children – got together with a group of friends and pretended to “take over” the unoccupied Mahlheur National Wildlife Refuge.

Adorably deploying grammatically-incorrect signs reading, “BLM Another Intrusive Tyranical (sic) Goverment (sic) Entity Doing What They Do Best ABUSING POWER & Oppressing the Backbone of America” and “Tyr • an • ny is cruel, unreasonable, arbitrary use of Power or Control,” the Bundy children and friends stubbornly refused to leave their makeshift fort until the federal government had met their “demands.”

Speaking to the press in Nevada, Carol Bundy said that, “Oh, you know what children are like.  They see their parents doing something and they just have to imitate it.”  Chuckling to herself, Bundy continued, “They saw how their father got away with owing the federal government $1 million dollars by creating a Waco-like scenario where he and his friends threatened to murder federal agents, and now they and their friends think they’re all cowboys.  Just too cute!”

Mrs. Bundy referred to the 2014 standoff that occurred at the Bundy ranch in Nevada, where federal agents attempted to collect the $1 million in unpaid fees that Cliven Bundy had amassed over 20 years of illegal cattle grazing on government land.  In a series of escalating legal violations for which Bundy and his friends have suffered zero repercussions, an armed militia threatened to kill the federal agents for doing their legal duty – some prepared to fire upon the agents with military-grade sniper rifles, they later bragged – and planned to use women and children as human shields should the federal agents return fire.  The assembled ad-hoc militia proceeded to then set up illegal roadblocks and checkpoints to further threaten and intimidate locals and motorists.  Finally, they all got bored and hungry and the entire militia dispersed.

Local and federal law enforcement were relieved that the conflict had ended peacefully and were further relieved that all criminal actors involved were either wealthy, white, or wealthy and white, meaning that the authorities wouldn’t have to bother with arrests or warrants, which can be a lot of paperwork when you get right down to it.

When reached for comment, Ammon Bundy, speaking from his awesome fort in the woods, attempted to clarify his somewhat unspecific demands, “Mainly we want the government to stop holding on to federal lands.  I mean, the Bureau of Land Management charges ranchers $20 a month per cow to graze on federal land.  Imagine if all that land was private!  Then rich people like my dad could buy it and charge people $200 per cow!  Think of it!”

Bundy then peered out the window and pretended to fire his rifle at imaginary federal agents, “Ka-blow!  Ka-blow!  Got him!”

Bundy, who seems to have no concept of the kind of permanent damage that unfettered grazing, mining or logging would have on an ecosystem – rendering large swaths of land useless in just a generation or so – went on to say that, “Same goes here in Oregon: logging companies and mining companies should be able to mine and log as much as they want, no matter what!  It’s America!”  Bundy continued, “Do you guys got any fruit roll-ups?  Ryan forgot to bring the snacks.”

Carol Bundy, who was warming up several mugs of hot chocolate in anticipation of her returning children, told the press “Really, all my sweet little boys want to do is fight for the American dream, just like their father.  Some might say that the American dream includes preserving our natural resources and delicate wildlife for generations to come, so that all Americans can benefit from and enjoy the beauty of our nation.  But what the American dream really stands for is giving my family whatever they want, whenever they want it, whether that be 20 some-odd years of not paying to use federal lands that everyone else has to pay to use or the freedom to directly threaten the lives of federal agents with utter impunity and no fear of consequence.  Now that’s the kind of American dream everyone can get behind, whether they’re myself or my rich husband or our 14 children or if they’re some of those negroes living in the ghetto who were better off under slavery.”

Continuing to echo – almost verbatim – public statements previously made by her husband, Cliven Bundy, Mrs. Bundy added, “And let’s be honest:  Martin Luther King, Jr. sure did a terrible job if blacks these days can’t handle being called ‘slaves’ or ‘negroes’.”

No reporters had any questions for Mrs. Bundy.

At press time, the Bundy children and their adorable friends had hung a “No girls alloud (sic)” sign on the front door of their clubhouse.

Asshole Enjoys Walking Around Neighborhood with Assault Rifle

Daniel Kovacevic, 25 (left) shows solidarity with another unidentified asshole over a white person’s freedom to carry an assault rifle in the state of Ohio without fear of being shot on-sight by the police (Phil Masturzo/Akron Beacon Journal)

 

By QASEEM KASSEM    January 3, 2016

AKRON, OH – In a state most-recently enshrined as the state where 12 year-old African-American boy, Tamir Rice was gunned down by police officers for having a toy gun in his waistband, local Akron asshole Daniel Kovacevic, 25, is a white man who enjoys spending his time walking around neighborhoods with an assault rifle.

First drawing the attention of locals on Dec. 4th of last year, the asshole was stopped by local barber Deone Slater who – unsure of whether the gun-toting asshole’s intentions were threatening to the lives of the community – confronted him on the sidewalk, refusing to let him pass. When the asshole called the police, the police responded immediately and rushed to the asshole’s aid.  Akron Police Officer, Liuetenant Rick Edwards said that the department had already received eight calls warning about a white asshole with an assault rifle in the neighborhood but took no action because, “We’re in a pickle, stuck in the middle,” according to Edwards. “We can’t violate his rights.”

In a state where John Crawford III – an African-American man – was killed by police in a Wal-Mart for holding a BB gun, where Tenisha Anderson – an African-American woman – was killed in police custody and where Tamir Rice – an African-American boy – was shot to death in a park by the police, in a country where there have been over 100 shootings on school and college campuses since 2010, it would make sense that Slater – an African-American man – would be made uneasy by the double-edged sword of seeing a man with an assault rifle near the close-by University of Akron while being made a likely target of the police for carrying a gun, himself.

Slater brought up the issue of the police in Ohio killing black men – and boys – on-sight who may or may not be armed, but took no action when a white man walked around with an assault rifle near a college campus despite several calls to the authorities.  Kovacevic, the asshole, said that there was no issue with race and police response in this country.  Like most assholes, when confronted with the uncomfortable reality of disproportionate police response across racial lines in the United States, Kovacevic claimed that he sees past race and – therefore – it isn’t actually a factor.

Kovacevic, who somehow becomes more of an asshole with each passing moment, said that he needs to carry weapons to protect himself and that everyone should do so, ignoring the fact that African-Americans in his state would very likely be shot for exercising the exact same right as he.  “I believe things would be better if everyone had guns,” said Kovacevic.  He claimed that his armed appearance deters people from interfering with him – except for Slater – who interfered with him precisely because of his armed appearance.

When reached for comment on Kovacevic’s assertion that criminals are most certainly scared-off by an armed citizenry, William Coleman III of Gresham, Oregon – who was practicing his right to open-carry when a criminal stole his own gun from him on Oct. 7th of last year – said, “Wow. That Kovacevic guy sounds like a total asshole.”

As of press time, Kovacevic is still an asshole.

Hero Cops Free from Indictment

Hero cops Timothy Loehmann (left) and Frank Garmback (center) who bravely and against all odds, ended the reign of terror of Tamir E. Rice, 12 in November 2014 (AP)

By QASEEM KASSEM    Dec. 30, 2015

CLEVELAND, OH – Police officers Timothy Loehmann and Frank Garmback, the two officers who heroically shot local menace, 12 year-old Tamir E. Rice to death in November 2014, were not indicted by the grand jury this week, putting everyone’s mind comfortably at ease.

On November 22, 2014, Garmback and Loehmann responded to a 911 call that a black man was walking around a local park with a gun.  The man in question, 12 year-old Tamir E. Rice, was thought to look much older than his age.  Even though Ohio – the state where the shooting occurred – is an open-carry state, officers Garmback and Loehmann rightly-assumed that the black man was not a legal adult gun owner exercising his rights under state law but in fact, local child and feared career criminal, Tamir Rice.

Responding appropriately, the hero cops drove their police cruiser to within a few feet of Rice, screaming at him to put his hands in the air.  When Rice tried to mercilessly gun down the two officers, Loehmann barely managed to out-draw Rice, shooting him twice before the vehicle had even stopped moving, ending Tamir Rice’s reign of terror.

Loehmann and Garmback – considered heroes by all – have been under unfair scrutiny for the past year, anticipating a malicious, politically-motivated indictment by the grand jury in the shooting.

Said Loehmann of the incident, last December, “There are people out there who might say that Garmback and I acted irresponsibly by failing to properly assess the situation before we acted.  There are people out there who claim that Tamir Rice was just a kid playing with a toy gun, and we should have exercised restraint rather than immediately escalate into a shootout.  There are people who have pointed out that a white man carrying a gun in an open-carry state wouldn’t have been shot by the cops.  There are people out there who say that my past psychological evaluations and failure to demonstrate  firearm proficiency should have disqualified me from having the job of an armed police officer.  But that’s all irrelevant.  If the grand jury wants to indict me, they can indict me.  All I know is that Tamir Rice’s choke hold on this city is ended, and no matter what happens to me, I know that this one simple act of heroism saved many, many more lives than it cost.”

Loehmann, who had previously been unable to land a job as a police officer with at least three different departments due to consistently failing entrance exams, before finally being partnered with Garmback,  was relieved this week – as was everyone else in America – when the grand jury did not hand down an indictment in the Rice shooting.

Speaking before the press, Chief of Police Calvin Williams said today, “We’re all relieved, all of us on the force, today.  With Tamir Rice’s criminal enterprise all but a memory now, the grand jury’s decision has finally closed this dark chapter in the lives of hero cops Loehmann and Garmback.”

When questioned about the validity of the shooting, where it was demonstrated that Rice was not holding or aiming the weapon at the police, merely raising his shirt to show the officers the gun, Williams replied that Rice’s actions were clearly criminal, as any hero cop’s gut would have told them, “Rolling right up to within arm’s reach of a suspect in a police cruiser and screaming at them to put their hands in the air should have a calming effect, especially if the suspect is only a child… unless – of course – they have something to hide.”

“All of our investigations have come to the same conclusion:  Tamir E. Rice acted completely out-of-line in this situation, and Loehmann and Garmback are nothing short of heroes,” continued Williams.  “I mean, it’s possible that Rice was terrified and lifted his shirt to show the officers that the gun was just a toy but who can say?  For all we know, it was a real gun that he was about to use to kill both of the officers who had rushed to confront him without fully-assessing the situation.  Really, we’ll never know if that gun was real or not.  It’s safer to assume that it was real, if you ask me.”  Added Williams, “You know, I may not always approve of Loehmann and Garmback’s methods but damn it, they get results.”

When reached for comment, hero cop Timothy Loehmann discharged his weapon into the air multiple times and shouted, “Woo-hoo, motherfuckers!”

Two Armed White Suspects Mercifully Taken Alive After Attempting to Murder Police Officers

Jack Welninski (left) and Kenneth Maldonado (center) were subdued and arrested very much alive after ambushing Northwood, OH police with a sawed-off shotgun.  John H. Crawford III (right) was immediately killed by the police for carrying a toy gun in a Wal-Mart (AP)

By QASEEM KASSEM    Dec. 20, 2015

NORTHWOOD, OH – Officer Krystal Sellers-Kominek, a Northwood officer-in-training, spoke to the press today on the heels of a shooting that tragically left one suspect – a white woman – dead, but two white male suspects mercifully alive.

Accompanied by Northwood police Chief Thomas Cairl, Sellers-Kominek detailed her role in the shooting, stating that, “After the male suspect – who was white – broke away and led us on a chase, one or both of the other suspects – who were also white – ambushed us with gunfire.”

Of all the officers involved in the shootout, Sellers-Kominek was the only one who did not discharge her weapon, while all the other officers waited until they were under clear and direct threat of gunfire before they even considered using deadly force as an option.

When asked why Sellers-Kominek refrained from engaging in the shootout, Chief Cairl fielded the response, saying “Training is unfortunately very unclear in this area.  There are definite procedures in place that virtually every local law-enforcement agency in the country adheres to when – say – engaging with an unarmed black person.  For example, the shooting deaths of Michael Brown, Jr., Juan May, Zikarious Flint, Antoine Dominique Hunter, Jerame C. Reid, Yvette Smith, Emerson Clayton, Jr., Michael Laray Dozer, Jason Harrison, Lavall Hall, Eric Harris, Walter Scott, Brandon Glenn, Kris Jackson, Spencer McCain, Samuel DuBose and the list just goes on and on and on… those are all cut-and-dry, by-the-books shootings.”

“Oh!  And let’s also not forget Tamir E. Rice, who was a little black boy shot within seconds of police response for carrying what the 911 call described as a toy gun, or John H. Crawford III, who was shot to death by police at a Wal-Mart for walking around with a bb gun that he was about to purchase from Wal-Mart.”  Cairl then chuckled to himself, “That’s some fine police work, right there.”

“However,” Chief Cairl continued, “there is no clear-cut response in law-enforcement training in this country for when one or more armed white people – armed in this case with semi-automatic handguns and a sawed-off shotgun – resist arrest, flee the police and then attempt to murder the same police in an ambush,” Cairl shrugged and added, “We can’t just shoot white people, you know, which is why I feel that Officer Sellers-Kominek, by not shooting at the white suspects, fulfilled her duty to a greater capacity than the senior Officers involved.”

The senior officers involved in the shooting, who fired upon the white suspects, have all been suspended without pay pending an investigation by an outside agency and will presumably be fired.

Tragically, one of the white suspects, registered sex-offender Erica Lauro, 22, was killed but thankfully the two white male suspects survived the shootout – which only began after the suspects opened fire on the officers, and not while they were standing before the officers unarmed and with their hands raised – and are being held on bond, alive and well, thank merciful god.

 

Justice Scalia Offers Dissenting Opinion on Fisher v University of Texas

Justice Antonin Scalia (left) and Justice Clarence Thomas discuss Fisher v University of Texas (Jordan Hamilton/AP)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    Dec. 18, 2015

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, after hearing opinions from Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Justice Sonia Sotomayor, weighed in with his dissenting opinion on Fisher v University of Texas, today.

“Oh shooda, ah, manga wanjee kohkpah.  Peecha wahnjee kohkpa tahng nahngee toochantkee troi,” began Scalia, addressing the lawsuit that has seen an academically-average white student attempt to claim discrimination for not getting into the college of her choice.

Scalia reaffirmed his initial view of the case, saying that “Yoobah koh ra doh ka mallo wampa mah yass ka chung kawah wookiee,” implying that he had not been convinced by the defense’s arguments.

“Ya koon tacha poonoo nee sah, gee,” Scalia added, “Pah. Manga wonjee kohkpa, oong Jedi. Chool kanya wee shaja mee-choo.”

Scalia, who is well-known for being a strict constructionist as well as an iron-fisted Hutt crime lord from the planet Tatooine, reminded his fellow justices that “Il yabba ma dookee mahs tah, icht boong cheekoh pahn na green nahp meet’noh toh pohnkee dohkoh lah choya!”

Scalia then swallowed a Klatooine paddy frog whole, before licking his lips with his enormous tongue and patting his expansive green belly.  He concluded his opinion by paraphrasing a previous statement on the issue of college admissions and affirmative action, saying, “Like I said before, blacks would be better off in slower schools, anyways.”

Scalia then departed for the Pit of Carkoon, where he intends to oversee the execution of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo from the comfort of his personal pleasure barge.

White Person Too Dumb to Understand Discrimination Upset She Didn’t Get Into a Better School

Abigail Fisher (left), about to say something pretty dumb while attorney Bert Rein waits his turn (Toni Cheade/AP)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    Dec. 17, 2015

AUSTIN, TX – Abigail Fisher, a very dumb white person from Texas accustomed to getting whatever she wants pretty much all the time, met the press today ahead of going before the Supreme Court of the United States for a second time.

Abigail, who suffers from an inability to understand even slightly-nuanced concepts like discrimination, addressed the press.

“White people in the United States – especially in my home state of Texas – have suffered discrimination for far too long.”

Abigail’s struggle and ensuing court battle – arguably one of the dumbest to go before the United States Supreme Court in its two hundred and twenty-five year history – hinges entirely upon the fact that she didn’t get something that she wanted this one time.

Rejected from the University of Texas for not satisfying academic standards, Abigail reiterated the dumbness of her struggle by reminding the press that, “The year I was rejected, other people were accepted… people who aren’t me.  Some of those people weren’t white. If that doesn’t prove that the college was engaged in systemic discrimination against whites, I don’t know what does.  I’m not dumb, that’s outright racism.”

Abigail, who is dumb, then took questions from the press.

When asked how she could consider her rejection from the University of Texas racial discrimination when only five applicants of color were accepted, while 168 applicants of color who possessed Abigail’s same academic qualifications were likewise rejected, Abigail simply stared into space until a reporter snapped his fingers in front of Abigail’s face.

Startled, Abigail shrieked, having clearly forgotten where she was.  Her attorney, Bert Rein, frantically ushered her from the room.

After the Supreme Court of the United States hears Abigail’s case, it will hear arguments from Bruce Godfrey, a Texas man suing Denmark-based LEGO Group after he suffered medical complications from eating an entire Star Wars-themed play set manufactured by the company.