AUSTIN, TX – Abigail Fisher, a very dumb white person from Texas accustomed to getting whatever she wants pretty much all the time, met the press today ahead of going before the Supreme Court of the United States for a second time.
Abigail, who suffers from an inability to understand even slightly-nuanced concepts like discrimination, addressed the press.
“White people in the United States – especially in my home state of Texas – have suffered discrimination for far too long.”
Abigail’s struggle and ensuing court battle – arguably one of the dumbest to go before the United States Supreme Court in its two hundred and twenty-five year history – hinges entirely upon the fact that she didn’t get something that she wanted this one time.
Rejected from the University of Texas for not satisfying academic standards, Abigail reiterated the dumbness of her struggle by reminding the press that, “The year I was rejected, other people were accepted… people who aren’t me. Some of those people weren’t white. If that doesn’t prove that the college was engaged in systemic discrimination against whites, I don’t know what does. I’m not dumb, that’s outright racism.”
Abigail, who is dumb, then took questions from the press.
When asked how she could consider her rejection from the University of Texas racial discrimination when only five applicants of color were accepted, while 168 applicants of color who possessed Abigail’s same academic qualifications were likewise rejected, Abigail simply stared into space until a reporter snapped his fingers in front of Abigail’s face.
Startled, Abigail shrieked, having clearly forgotten where she was. Her attorney, Bert Rein, frantically ushered her from the room.
After the Supreme Court of the United States hears Abigail’s case, it will hear arguments from Bruce Godfrey, a Texas man suing Denmark-based LEGO Group after he suffered medical complications from eating an entire Star Wars-themed play set manufactured by the company.
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