By ELAINE KULINSKA Dec. 18, 2015
WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, after hearing opinions from Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Justice Sonia Sotomayor, weighed in with his dissenting opinion on Fisher v University of Texas, today.
“Oh shooda, ah, manga wanjee kohkpah. Peecha wahnjee kohkpa tahng nahngee toochantkee troi,” began Scalia, addressing the lawsuit that has seen an academically-average white student attempt to claim discrimination for not getting into the college of her choice.
Scalia reaffirmed his initial view of the case, saying that “Yoobah koh ra doh ka mallo wampa mah yass ka chung kawah wookiee,” implying that he had not been convinced by the defense’s arguments.
“Ya koon tacha poonoo nee sah, gee,” Scalia added, “Pah. Manga wonjee kohkpa, oong Jedi. Chool kanya wee shaja mee-choo.”
Scalia, who is well-known for being a strict constructionist as well as an iron-fisted Hutt crime lord from the planet Tatooine, reminded his fellow justices that “Il yabba ma dookee mahs tah, icht boong cheekoh pahn na green nahp meet’noh toh pohnkee dohkoh lah choya!”
Scalia then swallowed a Klatooine paddy frog whole, before licking his lips with his enormous tongue and patting his expansive green belly. He concluded his opinion by paraphrasing a previous statement on the issue of college admissions and affirmative action, saying, “Like I said before, blacks would be better off in slower schools, anyways.”
Scalia then departed for the Pit of Carkoon, where he intends to oversee the execution of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo from the comfort of his personal pleasure barge.
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