Two Armed White Suspects Mercifully Taken Alive After Attempting to Murder Police Officers

butttholes
Jack Welninski (left) and Kenneth Maldonado (center) were subdued and arrested very much alive after ambushing Northwood, OH police with a sawed-off shotgun.  John H. Crawford III (right) was immediately killed by the police for carrying a toy gun in a Wal-Mart (AP)

By QASEEM KASSEM    Dec. 20, 2015

NORTHWOOD, OH – Officer Krystal Sellers-Kominek, a Northwood officer-in-training, spoke to the press today on the heels of a shooting that tragically left one suspect – a white woman – dead, but two white male suspects mercifully alive.

Accompanied by Northwood police Chief Thomas Cairl, Sellers-Kominek detailed her role in the shooting, stating that, “After the male suspect – who was white – broke away and led us on a chase, one or both of the other suspects – who were also white – ambushed us with gunfire.”

Of all the officers involved in the shootout, Sellers-Kominek was the only one who did not discharge her weapon, while all the other officers waited until they were under clear and direct threat of gunfire before they even considered using deadly force as an option.

When asked why Sellers-Kominek refrained from engaging in the shootout, Chief Cairl fielded the response, saying “Training is unfortunately very unclear in this area.  There are definite procedures in place that virtually every local law-enforcement agency in the country adheres to when – say – engaging with an unarmed black person.  For example, the shooting deaths of Michael Brown, Jr., Juan May, Zikarious Flint, Antoine Dominique Hunter, Jerame C. Reid, Yvette Smith, Emerson Clayton, Jr., Michael Laray Dozer, Jason Harrison, Lavall Hall, Eric Harris, Walter Scott, Brandon Glenn, Kris Jackson, Spencer McCain, Samuel DuBose and the list just goes on and on and on… those are all cut-and-dry, by-the-books shootings.”

“Oh!  And let’s also not forget Tamir E. Rice, who was a little black boy shot within seconds of police response for carrying what the 911 call described as a toy gun, or John H. Crawford III, who was shot to death by police at a Wal-Mart for walking around with a bb gun that he was about to purchase from Wal-Mart.”  Cairl then chuckled to himself, “That’s some fine police work, right there.”

“However,” Chief Cairl continued, “there is no clear-cut response in law-enforcement training in this country for when one or more armed white people – armed in this case with semi-automatic handguns and a sawed-off shotgun – resist arrest, flee the police and then attempt to murder the same police in an ambush,” Cairl shrugged and added, “We can’t just shoot white people, you know, which is why I feel that Officer Sellers-Kominek, by not shooting at the white suspects, fulfilled her duty to a greater capacity than the senior Officers involved.”

The senior officers involved in the shooting, who fired upon the white suspects, have all been suspended without pay pending an investigation by an outside agency and will presumably be fired.

Tragically, one of the white suspects, registered sex-offender Erica Lauro, 22, was killed but thankfully the two white male suspects survived the shootout – which only began after the suspects opened fire on the officers, and not while they were standing before the officers unarmed and with their hands raised – and are being held on bond, alive and well, thank merciful god.