By MIRANDA SAUNDERS Jan. 5, 2016
BURNS, OR – Having taken refuge in an empty building in the empty snowbound woods 30 miles from nearby Burns, Oregon, the children of Cliven and Carol Bundy – along with a handful of their friends – simply refuse to stop pretending to be cowboys and just come in from the cold.
On January 4, 2016, Ammon and Ryan Bundy – two of Cliven and Carol Bundy’s 14 children – got together with a group of friends and pretended to “take over” the unoccupied Mahlheur National Wildlife Refuge.
Adorably deploying grammatically-incorrect signs reading, “BLM Another Intrusive Tyranical (sic) Goverment (sic) Entity Doing What They Do Best ABUSING POWER & Oppressing the Backbone of America” and “Tyr • an • ny is cruel, unreasonable, arbitrary use of Power or Control,” the Bundy children and friends stubbornly refused to leave their makeshift fort until the federal government had met their “demands.”
Speaking to the press in Nevada, Carol Bundy said that, “Oh, you know what children are like. They see their parents doing something and they just have to imitate it.” Chuckling to herself, Bundy continued, “They saw how their father got away with owing the federal government $1 million dollars by creating a Waco-like scenario where he and his friends threatened to murder federal agents, and now they and their friends think they’re all cowboys. Just too cute!”
Mrs. Bundy referred to the 2014 standoff that occurred at the Bundy ranch in Nevada, where federal agents attempted to collect the $1 million in unpaid fees that Cliven Bundy had amassed over 20 years of illegal cattle grazing on government land. In a series of escalating legal violations for which Bundy and his friends have suffered zero repercussions, an armed militia threatened to kill the federal agents for doing their legal duty – some prepared to fire upon the agents with military-grade sniper rifles, they later bragged – and planned to use women and children as human shields should the federal agents return fire. The assembled ad-hoc militia proceeded to then set up illegal roadblocks and checkpoints to further threaten and intimidate locals and motorists. Finally, they all got bored and hungry and the entire militia dispersed.
Local and federal law enforcement were relieved that the conflict had ended peacefully and were further relieved that all criminal actors involved were either wealthy, white, or wealthy and white, meaning that the authorities wouldn’t have to bother with arrests or warrants, which can be a lot of paperwork when you get right down to it.
When reached for comment, Ammon Bundy, speaking from his awesome fort in the woods, attempted to clarify his somewhat unspecific demands, “Mainly we want the government to stop holding on to federal lands. I mean, the Bureau of Land Management charges ranchers $20 a month per cow to graze on federal land. Imagine if all that land was private! Then rich people like my dad could buy it and charge people $200 per cow! Think of it!”
Bundy then peered out the window and pretended to fire his rifle at imaginary federal agents, “Ka-blow! Ka-blow! Got him!”
Bundy, who seems to have no concept of the kind of permanent damage that unfettered grazing, mining or logging would have on an ecosystem – rendering large swaths of land useless in just a generation or so – went on to say that, “Same goes here in Oregon: logging companies and mining companies should be able to mine and log as much as they want, no matter what! It’s America!” Bundy continued, “Do you guys got any fruit roll-ups? Ryan forgot to bring the snacks.”
Carol Bundy, who was warming up several mugs of hot chocolate in anticipation of her returning children, told the press “Really, all my sweet little boys want to do is fight for the American dream, just like their father. Some might say that the American dream includes preserving our natural resources and delicate wildlife for generations to come, so that all Americans can benefit from and enjoy the beauty of our nation. But what the American dream really stands for is giving my family whatever they want, whenever they want it, whether that be 20 some-odd years of not paying to use federal lands that everyone else has to pay to use or the freedom to directly threaten the lives of federal agents with utter impunity and no fear of consequence. Now that’s the kind of American dream everyone can get behind, whether they’re myself or my rich husband or our 14 children or if they’re some of those negroes living in the ghetto who were better off under slavery.”
Continuing to echo – almost verbatim – public statements previously made by her husband, Cliven Bundy, Mrs. Bundy added, “And let’s be honest: Martin Luther King, Jr. sure did a terrible job if blacks these days can’t handle being called ‘slaves’ or ‘negroes’.”
No reporters had any questions for Mrs. Bundy.
At press time, the Bundy children and their adorable friends had hung a “No girls alloud (sic)” sign on the front door of their clubhouse.
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