By DOUGLAS HELLER June 2, 2020
WASHINGTON – As protests continue across the United States and the world at large, local law enforcement agents grow increasingly confused by the groundswell of activist opposition. With President Donald Trump instructing governors to dominate demonstrators through the use of force, and with the deployment of the national guard to many cities around the country, law enforcement officials are astonished that protests have persevered and – in many instances – grown in size and intensity.
“It’s a mystery to me,” Deputy Aaron Schmidt told reporters as he sat behind the wheel of a police cruiser. A number of protesters had formed a wall in front of Schmidt’s vehicle, though the street behind him was unobstructed. “It’s like, we keep coming out in an escalating show of force, but for some reason the general population doesn’t seem to be submitting.” When a traffic cone bounced off the roof of Deputy Schmidt’s cruiser, he ended the interview and deliberately plowed into the protesters with his vehicle.
“It defies all logic,” Officer Jerry Bush told a local newswoman covering the demonstrations in downtown Los Angeles. One of a hundred fully-armored riot cops hemming a group of peaceful protesters into a fenced-off parking lot, Officer Bush expressed complete confusion. “At first, things are pretty normal, right? And then the protests start, and then the looters show up, but when we deploy hundreds and hundreds of riot cops with shotguns and teargas and this, like, Robocop armor that I’m wearing, for some reason everyone just get more agitated? What’s wrong with these people?” Officer Bush then violently shoved the reporter into a fire hydrant as he and a hundred riot cops abruptly charged into the group of protesters.
Officer Stanley Kyle, in the process of kneeling on a reporter’s back, told the reporter, “It’s just strange to me that these protesters here in the US are just so much more prone to violence. I mean, you look at the UK and other places where local cops don’t have access to military gear, and aren’t trained to treat the public like enemy combatants, and somehow they still have fewer problems with the citizenry than we do. It truly boggles the mind. It’s almost like some sort of historical pattern of abuse and militarization– oh, whatever.” At that point, Officer Kyle pepper sprayed the subdued reporter in the face.
“It’s incredibly bizarre,” Officer John Kent told reporters, pausing to kick a surrendered protester to the pavement. “Like, the more militarized we become, the more force we use on civilians, the more and more the civilians push back. People don’t seem to understand that they have to be 100% with us, or they’re 100% against us. Can’t they just be subservient? We’re not public servants like mailmen or something; we’re the police for Christ’s sake! Acquiesce to our authority and no one else has to get hurt. Jeez, people.”
When reached for comment, national security adviser Robert C. O’Brien told a reporter, “I mean, sure there a few bad apples, but…” O’Brien proceeded to stand in total silence for several seconds until police were able to pacify the reporter with a volley of rubber bullets.
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