Law Enforcement Mystified by Ongoing Protests

Heavily-armed police officers aim loaded assault rifles at an unarmed African American man who is probably extremely dangerous as a post office box looks on (AP)

 

By DOUGLAS HELLER    June 2, 2020

WASHINGTON – As protests continue across the United States and the world at large, local law enforcement agents grow increasingly confused by the groundswell of activist opposition. With President Donald Trump instructing governors to dominate demonstrators through the use of force, and with the deployment of the national guard to many cities around the country, law enforcement officials are astonished that protests have persevered and – in many instances – grown in size and intensity.

“It’s a mystery to me,” Deputy Aaron Schmidt told reporters as he sat behind the wheel of a police cruiser. A number of protesters had formed a wall in front of Schmidt’s vehicle, though the street behind him was unobstructed. “It’s like, we keep coming out in an escalating show of force, but for some reason the general population doesn’t seem to be submitting.” When a traffic cone bounced off the roof of Deputy Schmidt’s cruiser, he ended the interview and deliberately plowed into the protesters with his vehicle.

“It defies all logic,” Officer Jerry Bush told a local newswoman covering the demonstrations in downtown Los Angeles. One of a hundred fully-armored riot cops hemming a group of peaceful protesters into a fenced-off parking lot, Officer Bush expressed complete confusion. “At first, things are pretty normal, right? And then the protests start, and then the looters show up, but when we deploy hundreds and hundreds of riot cops with shotguns and teargas and this, like, Robocop armor that I’m wearing, for some reason everyone just get more agitated? What’s wrong with these people?” Officer Bush then violently shoved the reporter into a fire hydrant as he and a hundred riot cops abruptly charged into the group of protesters.

Officer Stanley Kyle, in the process of kneeling on a reporter’s back, told the reporter, “It’s just strange to me that these protesters here in the US are just so much more prone to violence. I mean, you look at the UK and other places where local cops don’t have access to military gear, and aren’t trained to treat the public like enemy combatants, and somehow they still have fewer problems with the citizenry than we do. It truly boggles the mind. It’s almost like some sort of historical pattern of abuse and militarization– oh, whatever.” At that point, Officer Kyle pepper sprayed the subdued reporter in the face.

“It’s incredibly bizarre,” Officer John Kent told reporters, pausing to kick a surrendered protester to the pavement. “Like, the more militarized we become, the more force we use on civilians, the more and more the civilians push back. People don’t seem to understand that they have to be 100% with us, or they’re 100% against us. Can’t they just be subservient? We’re not public servants like mailmen or something; we’re the police for Christ’s sake! Acquiesce to our authority and no one else has to get hurt. Jeez, people.”

When reached for comment, national security adviser Robert C. O’Brien told a reporter, “I mean, sure there a few bad apples, but…” O’Brien proceeded to stand in total silence for several seconds until police were able to pacify the reporter with a volley of rubber bullets.

Op-Ed: A Message From President George W. Bush

President George W. Bush (AP)

 

By GEORGE W. BUSH   May 03, 2020

CRAWFORD, TX – This is a challenging and solemn time in the life of our nation and world. A remorseless, invisible enemy threatens the elderly and vulnerable among us; a disease that can quickly take breath and life. I speak, of course, of COVID-19, not the cultural or economic disease of  the ever-widening gaps in education, healthcare, opportunity, and wealth that already make day-to-day living a neverending game of Russian Roulette for many Americans. Medical professionals are risking their own health for the health of others, and we’re deeply grateful. Officials at every level are setting out the requirements of public health that protect us all, and we all need to do our part.

The disease also threatens broader damage – harm to our sense of safety, security, and community, and it threatens to severely impact the polling numbers of Republican and conservative congressional candidates. The larger challenge we share is to confront an outbreak of fear and loneliness, and it is frustrating that many of the normal tools of compassion – a hug, a touch – can bring the opposite of the opposite of the good we intend. In this case, we serve our neighbor by separating from them. We cannot allow physical separation to become emotional isolation. This requires us to be not only compassionate, but creative in our outreach, and people across the nation are using the tools of technology in the cause of solidarity. And believe me, I know a thing or two about compassion. As Governor of Texas I ignored 155 death row appeals and executed 112 prisoners in just five years. But let’s not forget that I also commuted one death sentence – that of one Henry Lee Lucas. Yes, the Henry Lee Lucas who murdered – oh, who knows – anywhere from a dozen to thirty people. That man certainly didn’t deserve the death sentence. Compassion.

In this time of testing, we need to remember a few things. And, to be clear, by testing I mean of a spiritual nature; not a medical nature. We can only afford so many tests in this country and Mike Pence is going to need most of them.  First, let us remember we have faced times of testing, before. Following 9/11 I saw a great nation rise as one to honor the brave, to grieve with the grieving, and to embrace unavoidable new duties, and I have no doubt – none at all – that the spirit of service and sacrifice is alive and well in America. The spirit that my administration wholeheartedly exploited to fraudulently start a war – in defiance of the global intelligence community and international law, let’s not forget – that cost hundreds of thousands of lives, established the United States as a country that tortures and imprisons without due process, destabilized an already unstable Middle East, ineptly laid the groundwork for the rise of ISIS, and the fallout of which is still echoing throughout the world, even today.

Second, let us remember that empathy and simple kindness are essential, powerful tools of national recovery, like the kindness I showed to Henry Lee Lucas, not like the kindness I showed to all those victims of Katrina. Remember Katrina? No? Oh, thank God for that. Even at an appropriate social distance, we can find ways to be present in the lives of others – to ease their anxiety and share their burdens. Third, let’s remember that the suffering we experience as a nation does not fall evenly. I suppose I shouldn’t have mentioned Katrina just then. Man, that was a mistake. Anyways, in the days to come it will be especially important to care in practical ways for the elderly, the ill, and the unemployed. And if anyone knows a thing or two about unemployment, it’s me. Remember what we did to the economy while I was in office? No? Okay, keep not remembering that.

Finally, let’s remember how small our differences are in the face of this shared threat. In the final analysis, we are not partisan combatants, so definitely, definitely don’t think about how Republican policies have provided the framework for our current economic turmoil and utter lack of a social safety net. That’s just cruel. It’ll hurt people’s feelings. We’re human beings, equally vulnerable – although, let’s be honest, major population centers and minorities sure seem to be getting hit a lot harder than good, white, rural Americans – and equally wonderful in the sight of God. We rise or fall together, and we are determined to rise, especially those of us who are already financially-positioned to weather this storm.

God bless you all, and try to forget about all the horrible things that I did to this country and world and just think about how great I am for taking ten minutes out of my day to say all this. If that’s not enough for you, think about how much Ellen likes me, and how I hang out with Michelle Obama. Man, remember that raincoat thing at inauguration? I’m just such a klutz, aren’t I?

Anyhow, Ellen likes me. And now you do, too.

Vice’s Gritty Multimedia Reboot of “A Christmas Carol” Met With Universal Praise

Christopher Cantwell, praised by critics for his re-imagining of Ebeneezer Scrooge as a cowardly neo-Nazi (YouTube)

By JONATHAN KIM     August 17, 2017

LOS ANGELES – The first chapter of Vice Media’s gritty re-imagining of Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol” was released on YouTube earlier this week. Titled “Charlottesville: Race and Terror,” the take-no-prisoners reboot of the beloved Christmas classic was followed up yesterday by its second half, “Crying Nazi Snowflake Needs a Safe Space.”

The multimedia endeavor has garnered near universal acclaim, with critics and viewers alike praising the filmmakers for so perfectly capturing the texture and relevance of the original work without resorting to cynicism or melodrama. Matt Zoller Seitz, writing for RogerEbert.com, said that the film’s first half “Perfectly re-packages the violence, detachment and hubris of the original protagonist’s worldview; instead of the pleas of street urchins stomped out underfoot by the capitalist greed of Ebeneezer Scrooge, we are witness to the weary humanity of Charlottesville’s citizens as they struggle with the evil and callousness of white supremacy and neo-Nazi violence. The bewildered rage of a bespectacled black man – his spirit crushed by watching James Alex Fields, Jr murder and maim wholesale a crowd of local counter-protesters – bears more weight and truth than a thousand Tiny Tims.”

The film reinterprets Ebeneezer Scrooge as Christopher Cantwell, a man whose hate for immigrants, liberals, and black Americans is matched only by his childlike preoccupation with violence. We watch Cantwell eagerly anticipate violent opposition, his eyes lighting up with glee any time he thinks a counter-protester might push or shove one of his neo-Nazi compatriots, so that he might unleash righteous retaliatory fury. At one point, Cantwell waxes on about the fantasy of someday being forced to kill a dangerous adversary with one of his six different firearms, all of which he puts on jubilant display for the audience in a scene more reminiscent of a child showing off his toy collection. Cantwell’s words barely veil his obvious desire to foment violence so that he might strike down his deadly opponents.

Cantwell’s deadly opponents never materialize. Like most protests in the United States and throughout the Western world, the violence never escalates to the small-arms-fire battle that Cantwell and his friends wish it would. Armed militiamen, coated in tactical armor and sporting semi-automatic rifles, stand as impotent as clusters of carolers might have in Dickens’s original version; full of spirit, but unable to satisfy any purpose.

It is these images of white men, armed and postured for action in the name of their racial superiority, that drives the narrative of the first half of the film, with Cantwell’s disdain and nearly Vaudevillian lack of understanding of the black experience in America matched only by his mania for perceived oppression. It is this total ignorance of American culture, and his narrow, paranoid preoccupation with unnumbered imaginary antagonists that perfectly set up the second half of this masterpiece.

“Crying Nazi Snowflake Needs a Safe Space” is the exquisite followup to the film’s first part, and features a tearful and terrified Cantwell, suddenly faced with the consequences of his actions and beliefs, bawling helplessly at the prospect of being in trouble with the law.

The messaging is obvious: Cantwell shows utter disdain for minorities in the United States, who must face the reality of increased and fatally-disproportionate law enforcement action on a daily basis, but when he himself is suddenly in the position of possibly facing an arrest warrant, his bravado crumbles immediately, and he lacks the basic emotional strength and resolve that the minorities he so despises manage to muster when placed in the exact same situation. One need look only as far as the shooting of Philandro Castille and witness the staunch resolve of Diamond Reynolds as she stared down the smoking barrel of a trigger-happy officer’s gun, and one sees the grimly comic difference. Cantwell shouldn’t be anywhere near the kitchen, because forget the heat… even the thought of an open flame brings him to tears.

Some critics felt that the second half’s outcome was a little too on the nose, but conceded that the raw, pathetic emotion on display more than made up for its rote narrative shortcomings.

While critics fawned over this daring re-imagining of “A Christmas Carol,” they are universally unimpressed with Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin’s half-baked reboot of the Cold War, hoping that the production will fizzle before it reaches completion.

Mike Pence Caught Measuring Oval Office for New Drapes

Vice President Mike Pence caught in the Oval Office on Monday, claiming he totally forgot to grab this folder from the President’s desk earlier (Shealah Craighead)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    August 17, 2017

WASHINGTON – Amidst reports of internal strife at all levels of the Trump administration this week, White House aides report that Vice President Mike Pence has more than once been caught measuring the Oval Office windows for new drapes.

Recent events – including the President’s handling of the Unite the Right demonstration in Charlottesville over the weekend, Presidential adviser Steve Bannon’s erratic interview with the press, GOP allies abandoning the President, and too many de-staffings, falsehoods, and unhinged press briefings to adequately summarize in one article – have shaken the administration from top to bottom. During this intense period of confusion, several White House aides disclosed to reporters that Mike Pence has been spending an inordinate amount of time strolling the halls adjacent to the Oval Office.

“I don’t usually see the Vice President around here,” confided one aide on condition of anonymity, “but this week I’ve already run into him maybe five or six times.”

Pence was reportedly caught with a tape measure, balanced precariously on the sill of one of the Oval Office’s windows, and did not notice when the aide entered the room. When the aide asked Pence what he was doing, Pence nearly lost his footing, arms pinwheeling.

Recovering, Pence told the aide that he was simply using the tape measure to reach a pen that he had accidentally thrown up there, earlier. Pence hastily exited the Oval Office, but not before casually asking if the aide felt that maybe the room could use a different carpet.

Employees at Washington’s local IKEA confirmed that they had spotted Mike Pence and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan hand-in-hand as they strolled through the furniture section.

Remains of James Woods’s Career Unearthed on Twitter

James Woods’s Career at the height of its relevance (left), and some of the remains of James Woods’s Career discovered on Twitter (Universal Pictures/FBI)

By JONATHAN KIM    August 17, 2017

WASHINGTON – The Federal Bureau of Investigation’s Computer Forensics Lab confirmed today that the remains of the career unearthed on Twitter earlier this year belonged to actor James Woods.

James Woods’s career was still thriving through the 1990s, but then familiar patterns started to emerge,  explained Special Agent Tia Wong.

“When we first started investigating, we started to look for telltale signs,” said Wong. “Our techs had discovered some fragments of Tweets complaining about millennials and ‘special snowflakes’ and Colin Kaepernick, and those are generally strong indications that we’re following a trail of breadcrumbs left by a career that might be in danger of dying.”

“It’s frequently the case with a lot of these older, whiter, male, North American celebrities that their careers reach a point where the career itself is unable to continue to adapt and cope with new stimulus,” Wong continued. “If you look at the careers of people like Patrick Stewart, Betty White… even more contemporary cases like the careers of Sarah Silverman, and even Louis C.K. – whose career is actually a bit of an outlier, given predispositional factors – you can see a propensity for adaptation and even revitalization at times. The particular form of stagnation we’ve discovered in the case of James Woods’s career only seems to occur in white men, typically from the United States or Canada.”

Wong identified key warning signs to look out for. “You want to pay attention: Is the career starting to falter a bit because it can’t handle differing, emerging viewpoints? This typically manifests itself as attacking ‘safe spaces,’ without really understanding what a safe space is, attacking people as being ‘too sensitive,’ or ‘triggered.'” Wong added, “You’ll also see a fixation on cartoonish, old-fashioned masculinity that rewards stubbornness, an unwillingness to absorb new ideas, or the idea that people around you have somehow become ‘weak.’ You’ll especially see these warning signs in stand-up careers as they begin to disintegrate.”

Wong pointed to James Woods’s case. A white male Canadian actor who found popularity in the 1980s appearing in films like Videodrome, Woods started showing signs of a moribund career by the early 2000s. “We’ve managed to follow forensic trails as far back as 2006, thanks to a fragmented social media presence, but we can only wonder that if maybe people had seriously been paying attention to James Wood’s career, maybe these signs could have been caught, sooner.”

Aside from revealing more odious behaviors – including suing the family of a dead Twitter user for $10 million because the deceased called Woods a cocaine addict – Woods’s Twitter also displayed a few strong indicators that researchers consider red flags for impending career death.

“The big one is this Tweet where Woods complains about ‘political correctness,'” Wong said, indicating a Tweet where Woods whined, “[The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences] is not a club, nor a propaganda platform, nor an exercise in political correctness,” in response to criticisms that the Academy Awards had routinely passed over people of color… a reaction that Wong pointed out, “Implies that only white people are the ones actually worthy of recognition, while people of color lack the necessary talent and skill to excel. It’s symptoms like this that point to inevitable career death.”

Wong elaborated upon the tendency of dying careers to latch onto “political correctness,” saying, “I can’t say for certain why these careers inevitably attach themselves to this notion of ‘political correctness,’ that’s not really my department. A prevailing theory is that the career latches on as a means of sustenance, but ‘political correctness’ has been latched onto for so long that it simply can’t support any more careers at this point. I mean, we’re talking about something that careers have been latching onto for about forty years; you simply can’t whine about ‘political correctness’ over and over and over for that long before it becomes unsustainable.”

“This is where he had a meltdown because Twitter was banning accounts engaged in racist harassment,” Wong said, pulling up a Tweet reading, “Since @Twitter is now in the #censorship business, I will no longer use its service for my constitutional right to free speech. #GoodbyeAll.”

“Bear in mind, this is in response to Twitter banning accounts that had engaged in hate speech,” Wong said. “Even more than whining about ‘political correctness,’ tantrums over private companies refusing to support bullying or harassment – or any threat to those particular forms of ‘free speech’ – are major warning signs of career morbidity.”

Wong said that while in recent years, experts have managed to detect patterns and start to pick out these warning signs of a dying career much earlier in the career’s trajectory, for many the research has come far too late.

“If we had been more acutely aware of these indicators, perhaps we could have saved not only James Woods’s career, but also Dane Cook’s,” lamented Wong.

At press time, the FBI and local emergency response teams had been dispatched to both Adam Carolla and Joe Rogan’s residences.

Andrew Anglin Distracted in Middle of Press Conference by Picture of Taye Diggs

Noted neo-Nazi and white supremacist, Andrew Anglin (left), who promotes the inherent genetic superiority of the white race, and Taye Diggs (AP)

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS   August 16, 2017

WASHINGTON – After the Unite the Right demonstrations in Virginia over the weekend, The Daily Stormer website – the pre-eminent neo-Nazi platform – was refused hosting by both GoDaddy and Google, forcing the white supremacy site to seek a home on the dark web.

Andrew Anglin, The Daily Stormer’s founder and webmaster, held a press conference earlier today to address the groundswell of resistance to the increase of neo-Nazi activity in the United States, but was derailed mid-sentence when his gaze fell upon a headshot of Taye Diggs.

“The censoring of The Daily Stormer from the internet by powerful, pro-Jew and pro-Black interests violates the very foundation and spirit of free speech upon which this country was founded,” asserted Anglin. “Even President Donald Trump has said that those who oppose our views engage in needless acts of violence… acts which have only been exacerbated by these blatant attempts to silence our message of truth about unassailable white genetic superi–” Anglin trailed off at that point, his eyes momentarily distracted by a headshot of Taye Diggs that had been left on a nearby table.

When asked by reporters what Anglin’s plans were for The Daily Stormer, Anglin replied – after a very long pause – that, “The Daily Stormer has been forced to find a home on the dark web. Liberal forces sympathetic to the Jew and the inferior Black are determined to suppress our message of white racial superiority, but rest assured that our readership and our spirit for spreading the truth about–” Anglin again trailed off, his eyes drawn down towards the image of Taye Diggs.

“Just… just… my god, so… so….” Anglin is reported to have whispered through trembling lips.

No one could confirm how the headshot of Mr. Diggs had made its way into the conference room, but having relocated the headshot to his podium, Anglin continued to field questions, though his responses were too disjointed and too distracted for publication.

The press conference drew to a close soon after, without any further questions from the assembled reporters. Anglin appeared not to notice.

At press time, Anglin was badly losing a debate about racial purity against a wall poster of indigenous Hawaiian, Jason Momoa.

Predictable End-Result of Thirty Years of Conservative Media Policy Sworn in as President of the United States of America

Pictured: The predictable end-result of thirty years of conservative media policy. (AP)

 

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS  Jan. 20, 2017

WASHINGTON – The predictable end-result of thirty years of conservative media policy was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States this afternoon.

The predictable end-result of thirty years of conservative media policy was sworn in despite losing the election by 3 million popular votes, making the predictable end-result of thirty years of conservative media policy the fourth Presidential candidate to win the Presidency despite losing the vote, as well as the fourth Republican Presidential candidate to win the Presidency despite losing the vote.

While supporters were celebratory, the majority of politicians and members of the United States population proved to be extremely unhappy. Some lifelong Republicans expressed shock at the election of the predictable end-result of thirty years of conservative media policy – who is named Donald Trump – many having abstained from voting for either candidate.

“I honestly couldn’t bring myself to do it,” said Jennifer Knowles of Stockbridge, PA. “I’m a Republican through and through but I really couldn’t vote for a man who encourages violence against protesters and who invokes the same rhetoric as some of history’s worst dictators. On the other hand, I’ve been following Bill O’Reilly’s coverage of Hillary Clinton for years now and it couldn’t be more clear that she’s a criminal of the highest order who is a sociopath capable of eradicating any and all evidence of her most heinous crimes. I certainly could never vote for her.”

Others were quick to cite the insufferable attitudes of East-coast liberals for Trump’s victory.

“People around here are just sick and tired,” said Betty Stanton of Laramie, WY. “We’re sick and tired of the elitism of total strangers from New York City who we’ve never met. All you have to do is turn on Fox News to hear about how condescending these liberal elites are towards good, hardworking Americans like us. And don’t even get me started on those people out in Hollywood.”

John Smith, a Trump voter from Los Angeles who chose to retain his anonymity, confided, “Everyone I know personally out here is some screeching liberal stereotype and I simply can’t stand it, anymore. I’ve never really talked politics with my friends but it’s evident that they all fit neatly into the mold that Alex Jones always lays out on Infowars; they’re arrogant, entitled, fragile snowflakes, probably beyond any sort of reasonable discussion, which is why I’ve never even bothered discussing the issues with them.”

Others had more practical reasons for supporting the candidate. Daniel Wallace lives in Texas, a state where Governor Rick Perry refused to expand Medicaid under the Affordable Care Act, blocking the act from taking effect in his state.

“Obamacare is a total failure,” said Wallace. “I live in Texas and I can’t even afford health insurance. Glenn Beck was right about the Affordable Care Act all along; it’s just another attempt to impose socialism by Barack Hussein Obama.” Wallace went on to clarify, “And according to what I read on Breitbart, Trump already signed an executive order that just fixed healthcare for everyone, so I should be fine from now on, unless the Democrats ruin it.”

“I like to stay informed,” Shelby Wentworth of Mesa, AZ told reporters. “So I’m confident that when I say Hillary Clinton is by-and-large the most crooked, corrupt and dangerous human being alive, I’m not coming from a biased perspective. This is all factual stuff that anyone would know if they’d just listen to what Rush Limbaugh has had to say on the matter for the past twenty years.”

“You lost, get over it,” said Daniel Colton of Cheboygan, MI. “Get over yourselves, Trump won in a landslide. If you don’t believe me just check out the Sean Hannity Show.”

Editor’s Note: This year marks the 30th anniversary of the FCC’s elimination of the Fairness Doctrine by Ronald Reagan appointee, Mark S. Fowler. The Fairness Doctrine ensured equal media time for opposing political viewpoints and was introduced in 1949 to prevent media from becoming propaganda for any one political viewpoint.

 

GOP Leaders Vote Down Gun Legislation After Getting Shot in Their Dicks

Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Rand Paul (R-KY), and Marco Rubio (R-FL), met the press today after first voting down expanded background checks and legislation that would prohibit individuals on the terror watch list from purchasing firearms, and then all getting their dicks shot off (AP)

By DOUGLAS HELLER    June 22, 2016

WASHINGTON – Mere days after voting down legislation that would have prevented individuals on the terror watch list from purchasing firearms – and fewer than twenty-four hours after all getting shot in their dicks – GOP leaders Mitch McConnell, Marco Rubio and Rand Paul met with reporters today to discuss their vote on further proposed legislation this morning.

On the afternoon of Tuesday, June 21st, McConnell, Rubio and Paul were all shot directly in their dicks by a shooter armed with an AR 15 rifle.  The FBI confirmed that the shooter had been on the terror watch list but had been able to purchase the gun legally, a mere three days prior.

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader, limping in obvious discomfort and wearing a diaper of bandages to cover the grisly wound where his dick used to be, addressed the press in the wake of his dick-shooting, explaining why he and his associates chose to vote down gun control legislation earlier today. “Yes, it’s true that I was shot directly in the dick yesterday by a terror watch list suspect who had purchased his gun legally,” said McConnell, in obvious pain.  “However, we need to think first and foremost of the constitutional rights of people on the terror watch list to own firearms, instead of using this as an opportunity to push a partisan agenda.”

McConnell, whimpering like a tiny child, continued, “Yes, my dick was shot clean off, drawing attention to what many would consider an avoidable symptom of public policy that my party has willfully allowed to fester – fester much like the gory crater between my legs where my dick used to be – but we need to approach this serious topic in a serious way, and not do things like pass regulations that would disallow people the opportunity to shoot the dicks off of elected representatives.”

Rand Paul, the Republican Senator from Kentucky who had his dick shot off, followed up McConnell’s statements by adding, “The man who shot all of us in the dick yesterday might have been on the terror watch list at one point, but the FBI had removed him before he purchased his constitutionally-guaranteed AR 15.”  Paul, who approached the podium with the aid of a walker and who was dressed similarly to McConnell – in a sopping diaper made of gauze and bandages – went on to point out that there were no laws that the United States legislature could pass to prevent such a callous dick-shooting.  “Yes, our dicks were shot off, but our dicks are certainly a small price to pay when the grim specter of possibly implementing expanded background checks or extended waiting periods or closing a number of legal loopholes looms over our constitutional freedoms.”

Paul then relieved himself by urinating into a plastic bag strapped to his naked thigh – since he no longer has a dick – and ceded the microphone to Marco Rubio, Junior Republican Senator from Florida.

“While nothing will ever erase the image of my own dick separating from my body and sailing across the floor of that mall food court – my seminal vesicles unfurling like a cast fishing line in an unbelievably-painful display – the thought of expanding background checks that would place too many burdens on law-abiding Americans makes me physically sick.”  Rubio clarified, “Burdens like having to wait more than a few days to purchase a gun or to submit their potentially violent past to some sort of official scrutiny in case they use their constitutionally-guaranteed firearm to do something like shoot the dick off of a Senator from Florida.”

Rubio, the bullet-riddled gnarl that was once his dick causing him considerable pain, feebly wiped tears from his face before being led from the stage by a nurse who will accompany him for the next five to eight months as he learns how to navigate life without a dick.

When reached for comment, Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association Wayne LaPierre declined to speak to reporters.  An NRA staffer relayed that LaPierre had expressed astonishment upon hearing of the shooting, and commended the shooter on having such impressive acumen as to actually hit, “three such minuscule dicks.”

Op-Ed: I’m Jamie Gilt, Pro-Gun Internet Celebrity, and I’m About to Get Shot in the Back By My 4 Year-Old Son

Jamie Gilt, posing with a child and a firearm in an image that boldly attempts to redefine irony (Jamie Gilt).

 

By JAMIE GILT    Mar. 10, 2016

Hi, all!  I’m Jamie Gilt, and if you know anything about me, you know I distrust our oppressive government, I love horses, and I fully encourage everyone to own guns and – moreover – teach their children the proper and safe use of firearms.
 

There are all kinds of unfair, pernicious myths surrounding guns and gun owners.
 

Some like to characterize us as smug bullies more obsessed with rubbing our 2nd Amendment rights in the faces of anyone who disagrees with us than we are with the actual safety of innocent people in our own country.
 

Some say that we self-identify so strongly with gun ownership that we refuse to accept the statistical reality that the United States has the highest rate of firearms-related homicides, suicides, and accidental deaths among all developed First World countries.

 

Some people think it’s crass and borderline evil to constantly trot out the completely-irrelevant nuance between an “assault rifle” and a “sporting rifle,” rather than address the indisputable fact – like actual adults – that sporting rifles are regularly responsible for the grisliest mass shootings carried out in our country.

 

Well, you all know me, you know I believe first and foremost in gun safety, which is why I’ve trained my 4 year-old son to be utterly proficient in the use of firearms, something you naysayers would never accept because you insist upon characterizing gun evangelists like myself as at best irresponsible and at worst, callous and self-absorbed.

 

Well, I’m sitting here in my truck, with my 4 year-old son in the back seat, and I’m here to tell you that OH SHIT!  OH MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!

 

HOLY SHITTING FUCK!  HOLY SHITTING FUCK THAT HURTS!  FUCK THAT HURTS!!!  FUCKING FUCKING FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

 

Oh Christ!  Oh sweet Jesus Christ!  Oh God!  Oh God!  Oh, don’t let me die, here!  Oh God!

 

Honey!  Oh fucking shitting FUCK, my back!  Honey, put mommy’s gun down!  Mommy’s not angry… mommy just needs you to put the gun down, she just needs you to put the handgun that she left sitting next to you – loaded – in the back seat down, and not shoot mommy in the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BACK AGAIN!

 

Don’t cry… don’t cry, honey.  I said don’t CRY!  I’M the one who was SHOT!!!  What are YOU crying for???

 

Oh sweet Lord… oh sweet Lord in Heaven… if you see me through this I swear, I swear I will NOT learn a single thing from this experience and I’ll continue to champion unfettered gun ownership throughout the United States like an irresponsible narcissist.

 

I swear.

 

Holy SHIT this hurts!

 

Editor’s Note:  Jamie Gilt is an outspoken proponent for gun ownership who was actually, literally shot in the back by her own 4 year-old son.  That’s a thing that really happened in the real world.  She survived and, to date, has learned nothing from the incident.

 

 

Open Letter From the Editor: On the Brock Turner Verdict

A photograph of Brock Turner, a convicted sex offender, taken right after he sexually assaulted someone (AP)

 

Dear Dan A. Turner and Leslie Rasmussen:

 

What the fuck is wrong with you two?

 

Sincerely,

Demetrius Edgemont Parker, III
Editor in Chief
Very Real News