Op-Ed: A Message From President George W. Bush

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President George W. Bush (AP)

 

By GEORGE W. BUSH   May 03, 2020

CRAWFORD, TX – This is a challenging and solemn time in the life of our nation and world. A remorseless, invisible enemy threatens the elderly and vulnerable among us; a disease that can quickly take breath and life. I speak, of course, of COVID-19, not the cultural or economic disease of  the ever-widening gaps in education, healthcare, opportunity, and wealth that already make day-to-day living a neverending game of Russian Roulette for many Americans. Medical professionals are risking their own health for the health of others, and we’re deeply grateful. Officials at every level are setting out the requirements of public health that protect us all, and we all need to do our part.

The disease also threatens broader damage – harm to our sense of safety, security, and community, and it threatens to severely impact the polling numbers of Republican and conservative congressional candidates. The larger challenge we share is to confront an outbreak of fear and loneliness, and it is frustrating that many of the normal tools of compassion – a hug, a touch – can bring the opposite of the opposite of the good we intend. In this case, we serve our neighbor by separating from them. We cannot allow physical separation to become emotional isolation. This requires us to be not only compassionate, but creative in our outreach, and people across the nation are using the tools of technology in the cause of solidarity. And believe me, I know a thing or two about compassion. As Governor of Texas I ignored 155 death row appeals and executed 112 prisoners in just five years. But let’s not forget that I also commuted one death sentence – that of one Henry Lee Lucas. Yes, the Henry Lee Lucas who murdered – oh, who knows – anywhere from a dozen to thirty people. That man certainly didn’t deserve the death sentence. Compassion.

In this time of testing, we need to remember a few things. And, to be clear, by testing I mean of a spiritual nature; not a medical nature. We can only afford so many tests in this country and Mike Pence is going to need most of them.  First, let us remember we have faced times of testing, before. Following 9/11 I saw a great nation rise as one to honor the brave, to grieve with the grieving, and to embrace unavoidable new duties, and I have no doubt – none at all – that the spirit of service and sacrifice is alive and well in America. The spirit that my administration wholeheartedly exploited to fraudulently start a war – in defiance of the global intelligence community and international law, let’s not forget – that cost hundreds of thousands of lives, established the United States as a country that tortures and imprisons without due process, destabilized an already unstable Middle East, ineptly laid the groundwork for the rise of ISIS, and the fallout of which is still echoing throughout the world, even today.

Second, let us remember that empathy and simple kindness are essential, powerful tools of national recovery, like the kindness I showed to Henry Lee Lucas, not like the kindness I showed to all those victims of Katrina. Remember Katrina? No? Oh, thank God for that. Even at an appropriate social distance, we can find ways to be present in the lives of others – to ease their anxiety and share their burdens. Third, let’s remember that the suffering we experience as a nation does not fall evenly. I suppose I shouldn’t have mentioned Katrina just then. Man, that was a mistake. Anyways, in the days to come it will be especially important to care in practical ways for the elderly, the ill, and the unemployed. And if anyone knows a thing or two about unemployment, it’s me. Remember what we did to the economy while I was in office? No? Okay, keep not remembering that.

Finally, let’s remember how small our differences are in the face of this shared threat. In the final analysis, we are not partisan combatants, so definitely, definitely don’t think about how Republican policies have provided the framework for our current economic turmoil and utter lack of a social safety net. That’s just cruel. It’ll hurt people’s feelings. We’re human beings, equally vulnerable – although, let’s be honest, major population centers and minorities sure seem to be getting hit a lot harder than good, white, rural Americans – and equally wonderful in the sight of God. We rise or fall together, and we are determined to rise, especially those of us who are already financially-positioned to weather this storm.

God bless you all, and try to forget about all the horrible things that I did to this country and world and just think about how great I am for taking ten minutes out of my day to say all this. If that’s not enough for you, think about how much Ellen likes me, and how I hang out with Michelle Obama. Man, remember that raincoat thing at inauguration? I’m just such a klutz, aren’t I?

Anyhow, Ellen likes me. And now you do, too.

Op-Ed: I’m Jamie Gilt, Pro-Gun Internet Celebrity, and I’m About to Get Shot in the Back By My 4 Year-Old Son

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Jamie Gilt, posing with a child and a firearm in an image that boldly attempts to redefine irony (Jamie Gilt).

 

By JAMIE GILT    Mar. 10, 2016

Hi, all!  I’m Jamie Gilt, and if you know anything about me, you know I distrust our oppressive government, I love horses, and I fully encourage everyone to own guns and – moreover – teach their children the proper and safe use of firearms.
 

There are all kinds of unfair, pernicious myths surrounding guns and gun owners.
 
Some like to characterize us as smug bullies more obsessed with rubbing our 2nd Amendment rights in the faces of anyone who disagrees with us than we are with the actual safety of innocent people in our own country.
 
Some say that we self-identify so strongly with gun ownership that we refuse to accept the statistical reality that the United States has the highest rate of firearms-related homicides, suicides, and accidental deaths among all developed First World countries.

 

Some people think it’s crass and borderline evil to constantly trot out the completely-irrelevant nuance between an “assault rifle” and a “sporting rifle,” rather than address the indisputable fact – like actual adults – that sporting rifles are regularly responsible for the grisliest mass shootings carried out in our country.

 

Well, you all know me, you know I believe first and foremost in gun safety, which is why I’ve trained my 4 year-old son to be utterly proficient in the use of firearms, something you naysayers would never accept because you insist upon characterizing gun evangelists like myself as at best irresponsible and at worst, callous and self-absorbed.

 

Well, I’m sitting here in my truck, with my 4 year-old son in the back seat, and I’m here to tell you that OH SHIT!  OH MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!

 

HOLY SHITTING FUCK!  HOLY SHITTING FUCK THAT HURTS!  FUCK THAT HURTS!!!  FUCKING FUCKING FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

 

Oh Christ!  Oh sweet Jesus Christ!  Oh God!  Oh God!  Oh, don’t let me die, here!  Oh God!

 

Honey!  Oh fucking shitting FUCK, my back!  Honey, put mommy’s gun down!  Mommy’s not angry… mommy just needs you to put the gun down, she just needs you to put the handgun that she left sitting next to you – loaded – in the back seat down, and not shoot mommy in the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BACK AGAIN!

 

Don’t cry… don’t cry, honey.  I said don’t CRY!  I’M the one who was SHOT!!!  What are YOU crying for???

 

Oh sweet Lord… oh sweet Lord in Heaven… if you see me through this I swear, I swear I will NOT learn a single thing from this experience and I’ll continue to champion unfettered gun ownership throughout the United States like an irresponsible narcissist.

 

I swear.

 

Holy SHIT this hurts!

 

Editor’s Note:  Jamie Gilt is an outspoken proponent for gun ownership who was actually, literally shot in the back by her own 4 year-old son.  That’s a thing that really happened in the real world.  She survived and, to date, has learned nothing from the incident.

 

 

Op-Ed: I Stand Behind Ammon Bundy Because He Supports My Excessively-Narrow Interpretation of the American Dream

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Keith Nantz, noble Oregon cattle rancher, sends his thoughts and prayers to Ammon Bundy and his militia as he rests after a day of hard work – work that you probably couldn’t ever understand or respect (Keith Nantz)

By KEITH NANTZ    Jan. 15, 2016

I’m an Oregon rancher.

Ever since I was a little boy, I dreamed of roaming the wide-open countryside of the 1800’s Wild West, driving cattle across the plains with my cowhands, sleeping out under the stars while a baleful Ennio Morricone refrain drifts along on the breeze.

Like most children, I grew up into adulthood but unlike most children, I did not mature emotionally and supplant my fantasy with more adult prospects.  Instead, I busted my ass for eight long years as a firefighter until I could afford to abandon a stable and steady income that assisted the public in favor of riding around on a horse like a badass cowboy.

My friends and family warned me that since 82% of the United States’ beef production is monopolized by only a handful of mega-corporations, I was essentially setting myself up for a lifetime of serfdom in an industry that didn’t want or need me.  But I was determined.  So, utterly of my own volition, I became a cattle rancher, which is – need I remind you – a badass and totally iconic American livelihood, so I’m worthy of nothing but your respect for choosing this life for myself.  My struggles are your struggles, because we ranchers are owed infinite respect for putting meat in the supermarkets that you may or may not eat.

I’ve heard it all before.  You might say, “But Keith, cattle farming has, generation after generation, created an escalating climate of environmental destruction, contributed to the poisoning of groundwater throughout much of the American Midwest and produced more greenhouse gasses in the entire United States than any other source.”  To this I must say:  Which one of us is a rancher, friend?  Which one of us willingly abandoned his career in order to embrace a profession that is unsustainable and damaging to the environment but that is totally extra-John-Wayne-badass?  Are you a rancher, friend?  Do you get to ride this horse and wear this cool hat?  No?  Well, I think we both know which of us is the real red-blooded American here and which one isn’t, don’t we?

Ammon Bundy has taken a strong stand.  By bravely storming the federal stronghold that is the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Eastern Oregon, Bundy has shown that he won’t allow big-government environmental policies to interfere in the lives of people who share this very specific livelihood.  But he goes further than that, which I can respect; he not only wants to protect my interests in allowing me and those like me to graze on public land with impunity, he wants mining and logging operations to have the same free reign.  Why, the very land that the Malheur Refuge protects was land that was turned into a literal dustbowl after only four generations of grazing, logging and other forms of good old American industry.  Now that it is on the road to recovery, it’s high-time we pushed it straight to the brink of unsustainability again, only with bigger herds and more aggressive mining and fracking techniques.

Let me ask you this:  Is the idyllic fantasy of a hard-working, outdoorsy white man in a Stetson hat, relaxing with his cattle astride his majestic brown mustang, against the dwindling orange and red backdrop of a Western sunset not worth irreparable harm to our ecosystem?

It’s been my dream since I was a little boy to be an awesome cowboy and I won’t let Obama or the federal government or you tell me that I can’t live out this totally-voluntary fantasy life of mine just because cattle herds are poisoning water supplies with E-coli.

Who’s to tell me what the American Dream really is, anyway?  Is it the dream of growing up in a world where you can safely drink the water and the land isn’t rendered barren by herds of thousands of grazing cattle?  I think not!  Is it the collective effort to lift up the underclass, to apply ourselves to bettering the least of us, even if the least of us stubbornly decide to be so lazy and un-American that they don’t all strive to be cattle ranchers themselves?  No, I say!  Is the American Dream me getting to do whatever I want because I romanticize it and then expect everyone else to fall in line with whatever it is I want to do?

Now, I’m no genius – I’m just a  humble cattle rancher – but one of those dreams involves me getting to wear a cowboy hat and ride a horse, so I think we all know what the right answer is.

You don’t know how hard this life is… this life that I voluntarily signed up for.  And therefore I deserve your admiration and awe and your tax dollars in the form of federal financial assistance so I can graze my cattle on public land.

The bottom line is that the federal government and Barack Hussein Obama are making it harder and harder for ranchers like me to increase the number of cattle in this country to an ecologically-unviable level, passing arbitrary regulations steeped in red tape meant to protect ecosystems, endangered species, the health of the citizenry and our nation’s public lands from the ravages of an unfettered ranching industry.  Even if empirical data proves beyond a doubt that grazing herds of cattle introduce E-coli and salmonella into farmlands and water supplies,  what’s a human life compared to the thought of me driving my herd across the plains, dust rising in our wake as I chew on a long stalk of grass, the sun beating down on my rugged face?

Wouldn’t you rather die of salmonella with that image in your mind instead of having to live in a world where I wasn’t able to do that?  Do you think for an instant that you could bear that guilt?

The efforts of the federal government to curb the destruction of our natural resources and to stem the tide of the eradication of endangered species – to say nothing of the poisoning of water systems by cattle that cause outbreaks of deadly salmonella – is highly threatening to my chosen way of of life that was utterly voluntary and ignorantly short-sighted on my part.  It’s a way of life for which I should accept no burdens or challenges or the grim specters of modern reality, like escalating pollution, increased cancer rates as a result of the consumption of red meat, or just the general poisoning of crops as well as population centers.

And that’s why I stand with Ammon Bundy:  because I’m a rancher and he’s a rancher.  Or at least I think he’s a rancher.  He wears a cool hat like a rancher would, so I’ll just assume that it’s the case.

The bottom line is this:  Would you rather live in a country where we could reign-in our greenhouse emissions and health epidemics by limiting the growth of the ranching industry, or would you rather enjoy hamburgers while I get to ride around on a horse and be a cowboy?

The answer is obvious.