Vice’s Gritty Multimedia Reboot of “A Christmas Carol” Met With Universal Praise

Christopher Cantwell, praised by critics for his re-imagining of Ebeneezer Scrooge as a cowardly neo-Nazi (YouTube)

By JONATHAN KIM     August 17, 2017

LOS ANGELES – The first chapter of Vice Media’s gritty re-imagining of Charles Dickens’s “A Christmas Carol” was released on YouTube earlier this week. Titled “Charlottesville: Race and Terror,” the take-no-prisoners reboot of the beloved Christmas classic was followed up yesterday by its second half, “Crying Nazi Snowflake Needs a Safe Space.”

The multimedia endeavor has garnered near universal acclaim, with critics and viewers alike praising the filmmakers for so perfectly capturing the texture and relevance of the original work without resorting to cynicism or melodrama. Matt Zoller Seitz, writing for RogerEbert.com, said that the film’s first half “Perfectly re-packages the violence, detachment and hubris of the original protagonist’s worldview; instead of the pleas of street urchins stomped out underfoot by the capitalist greed of Ebeneezer Scrooge, we are witness to the weary humanity of Charlottesville’s citizens as they struggle with the evil and callousness of white supremacy and neo-Nazi violence. The bewildered rage of a bespectacled black man – his spirit crushed by watching James Alex Fields, Jr murder and maim wholesale a crowd of local counter-protesters – bears more weight and truth than a thousand Tiny Tims.”

The film reinterprets Ebeneezer Scrooge as Christopher Cantwell, a man whose hate for immigrants, liberals, and black Americans is matched only by his childlike preoccupation with violence. We watch Cantwell eagerly anticipate violent opposition, his eyes lighting up with glee any time he thinks a counter-protester might push or shove one of his neo-Nazi compatriots, so that he might unleash righteous retaliatory fury. At one point, Cantwell waxes on about the fantasy of someday being forced to kill a dangerous adversary with one of his six different firearms, all of which he puts on jubilant display for the audience in a scene more reminiscent of a child showing off his toy collection. Cantwell’s words barely veil his obvious desire to foment violence so that he might strike down his deadly opponents.

Cantwell’s deadly opponents never materialize. Like most protests in the United States and throughout the Western world, the violence never escalates to the small-arms-fire battle that Cantwell and his friends wish it would. Armed militiamen, coated in tactical armor and sporting semi-automatic rifles, stand as impotent as clusters of carolers might have in Dickens’s original version; full of spirit, but unable to satisfy any purpose.

It is these images of white men, armed and postured for action in the name of their racial superiority, that drives the narrative of the first half of the film, with Cantwell’s disdain and nearly Vaudevillian lack of understanding of the black experience in America matched only by his mania for perceived oppression. It is this total ignorance of American culture, and his narrow, paranoid preoccupation with unnumbered imaginary antagonists that perfectly set up the second half of this masterpiece.

“Crying Nazi Snowflake Needs a Safe Space” is the exquisite followup to the film’s first part, and features a tearful and terrified Cantwell, suddenly faced with the consequences of his actions and beliefs, bawling helplessly at the prospect of being in trouble with the law.

The messaging is obvious: Cantwell shows utter disdain for minorities in the United States, who must face the reality of increased and fatally-disproportionate law enforcement action on a daily basis, but when he himself is suddenly in the position of possibly facing an arrest warrant, his bravado crumbles immediately, and he lacks the basic emotional strength and resolve that the minorities he so despises manage to muster when placed in the exact same situation. One need look only as far as the shooting of Philandro Castille and witness the staunch resolve of Diamond Reynolds as she stared down the smoking barrel of a trigger-happy officer’s gun, and one sees the grimly comic difference. Cantwell shouldn’t be anywhere near the kitchen, because forget the heat… even the thought of an open flame brings him to tears.

Some critics felt that the second half’s outcome was a little too on the nose, but conceded that the raw, pathetic emotion on display more than made up for its rote narrative shortcomings.

While critics fawned over this daring re-imagining of “A Christmas Carol,” they are universally unimpressed with Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin’s half-baked reboot of the Cold War, hoping that the production will fizzle before it reaches completion.

Mike Pence Caught Measuring Oval Office for New Drapes

Vice President Mike Pence caught in the Oval Office on Monday, claiming he totally forgot to grab this folder from the President’s desk earlier (Shealah Craighead)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    August 17, 2017

WASHINGTON – Amidst reports of internal strife at all levels of the Trump administration this week, White House aides report that Vice President Mike Pence has more than once been caught measuring the Oval Office windows for new drapes.

Recent events – including the President’s handling of the Unite the Right demonstration in Charlottesville over the weekend, Presidential adviser Steve Bannon’s erratic interview with the press, GOP allies abandoning the President, and too many de-staffings, falsehoods, and unhinged press briefings to adequately summarize in one article – have shaken the administration from top to bottom. During this intense period of confusion, several White House aides disclosed to reporters that Mike Pence has been spending an inordinate amount of time strolling the halls adjacent to the Oval Office.

“I don’t usually see the Vice President around here,” confided one aide on condition of anonymity, “but this week I’ve already run into him maybe five or six times.”

Pence was reportedly caught with a tape measure, balanced precariously on the sill of one of the Oval Office’s windows, and did not notice when the aide entered the room. When the aide asked Pence what he was doing, Pence nearly lost his footing, arms pinwheeling.

Recovering, Pence told the aide that he was simply using the tape measure to reach a pen that he had accidentally thrown up there, earlier. Pence hastily exited the Oval Office, but not before casually asking if the aide felt that maybe the room could use a different carpet.

Employees at Washington’s local IKEA confirmed that they had spotted Mike Pence and Speaker of the House Paul Ryan hand-in-hand as they strolled through the furniture section.

Andrew Anglin Distracted in Middle of Press Conference by Picture of Taye Diggs

Noted neo-Nazi and white supremacist, Andrew Anglin (left), who promotes the inherent genetic superiority of the white race, and Taye Diggs (AP)

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS   August 16, 2017

WASHINGTON – After the Unite the Right demonstrations in Virginia over the weekend, The Daily Stormer website – the pre-eminent neo-Nazi platform – was refused hosting by both GoDaddy and Google, forcing the white supremacy site to seek a home on the dark web.

Andrew Anglin, The Daily Stormer’s founder and webmaster, held a press conference earlier today to address the groundswell of resistance to the increase of neo-Nazi activity in the United States, but was derailed mid-sentence when his gaze fell upon a headshot of Taye Diggs.

“The censoring of The Daily Stormer from the internet by powerful, pro-Jew and pro-Black interests violates the very foundation and spirit of free speech upon which this country was founded,” asserted Anglin. “Even President Donald Trump has said that those who oppose our views engage in needless acts of violence… acts which have only been exacerbated by these blatant attempts to silence our message of truth about unassailable white genetic superi–” Anglin trailed off at that point, his eyes momentarily distracted by a headshot of Taye Diggs that had been left on a nearby table.

When asked by reporters what Anglin’s plans were for The Daily Stormer, Anglin replied – after a very long pause – that, “The Daily Stormer has been forced to find a home on the dark web. Liberal forces sympathetic to the Jew and the inferior Black are determined to suppress our message of white racial superiority, but rest assured that our readership and our spirit for spreading the truth about–” Anglin again trailed off, his eyes drawn down towards the image of Taye Diggs.

“Just… just… my god, so… so….” Anglin is reported to have whispered through trembling lips.

No one could confirm how the headshot of Mr. Diggs had made its way into the conference room, but having relocated the headshot to his podium, Anglin continued to field questions, though his responses were too disjointed and too distracted for publication.

The press conference drew to a close soon after, without any further questions from the assembled reporters. Anglin appeared not to notice.

At press time, Anglin was badly losing a debate about racial purity against a wall poster of indigenous Hawaiian, Jason Momoa.

GOP Leaders Vote Down Gun Legislation After Getting Shot in Their Dicks

Mitch McConnell (R-KY), Rand Paul (R-KY), and Marco Rubio (R-FL), met the press today after first voting down expanded background checks and legislation that would prohibit individuals on the terror watch list from purchasing firearms, and then all getting their dicks shot off (AP)

By DOUGLAS HELLER    June 22, 2016

WASHINGTON – Mere days after voting down legislation that would have prevented individuals on the terror watch list from purchasing firearms – and fewer than twenty-four hours after all getting shot in their dicks – GOP leaders Mitch McConnell, Marco Rubio and Rand Paul met with reporters today to discuss their vote on further proposed legislation this morning.

On the afternoon of Tuesday, June 21st, McConnell, Rubio and Paul were all shot directly in their dicks by a shooter armed with an AR 15 rifle.  The FBI confirmed that the shooter had been on the terror watch list but had been able to purchase the gun legally, a mere three days prior.

Mitch McConnell, the Senate Majority Leader, limping in obvious discomfort and wearing a diaper of bandages to cover the grisly wound where his dick used to be, addressed the press in the wake of his dick-shooting, explaining why he and his associates chose to vote down gun control legislation earlier today. “Yes, it’s true that I was shot directly in the dick yesterday by a terror watch list suspect who had purchased his gun legally,” said McConnell, in obvious pain.  “However, we need to think first and foremost of the constitutional rights of people on the terror watch list to own firearms, instead of using this as an opportunity to push a partisan agenda.”

McConnell, whimpering like a tiny child, continued, “Yes, my dick was shot clean off, drawing attention to what many would consider an avoidable symptom of public policy that my party has willfully allowed to fester – fester much like the gory crater between my legs where my dick used to be – but we need to approach this serious topic in a serious way, and not do things like pass regulations that would disallow people the opportunity to shoot the dicks off of elected representatives.”

Rand Paul, the Republican Senator from Kentucky who had his dick shot off, followed up McConnell’s statements by adding, “The man who shot all of us in the dick yesterday might have been on the terror watch list at one point, but the FBI had removed him before he purchased his constitutionally-guaranteed AR 15.”  Paul, who approached the podium with the aid of a walker and who was dressed similarly to McConnell – in a sopping diaper made of gauze and bandages – went on to point out that there were no laws that the United States legislature could pass to prevent such a callous dick-shooting.  “Yes, our dicks were shot off, but our dicks are certainly a small price to pay when the grim specter of possibly implementing expanded background checks or extended waiting periods or closing a number of legal loopholes looms over our constitutional freedoms.”

Paul then relieved himself by urinating into a plastic bag strapped to his naked thigh – since he no longer has a dick – and ceded the microphone to Marco Rubio, Junior Republican Senator from Florida.

“While nothing will ever erase the image of my own dick separating from my body and sailing across the floor of that mall food court – my seminal vesicles unfurling like a cast fishing line in an unbelievably-painful display – the thought of expanding background checks that would place too many burdens on law-abiding Americans makes me physically sick.”  Rubio clarified, “Burdens like having to wait more than a few days to purchase a gun or to submit their potentially violent past to some sort of official scrutiny in case they use their constitutionally-guaranteed firearm to do something like shoot the dick off of a Senator from Florida.”

Rubio, the bullet-riddled gnarl that was once his dick causing him considerable pain, feebly wiped tears from his face before being led from the stage by a nurse who will accompany him for the next five to eight months as he learns how to navigate life without a dick.

When reached for comment, Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association Wayne LaPierre declined to speak to reporters.  An NRA staffer relayed that LaPierre had expressed astonishment upon hearing of the shooting, and commended the shooter on having such impressive acumen as to actually hit, “three such minuscule dicks.”

Op-Ed: I’m Jamie Gilt, Pro-Gun Internet Celebrity, and I’m About to Get Shot in the Back By My 4 Year-Old Son

Jamie Gilt, posing with a child and a firearm in an image that boldly attempts to redefine irony (Jamie Gilt).

 

By JAMIE GILT    Mar. 10, 2016

Hi, all!  I’m Jamie Gilt, and if you know anything about me, you know I distrust our oppressive government, I love horses, and I fully encourage everyone to own guns and – moreover – teach their children the proper and safe use of firearms.
 

There are all kinds of unfair, pernicious myths surrounding guns and gun owners.
 

Some like to characterize us as smug bullies more obsessed with rubbing our 2nd Amendment rights in the faces of anyone who disagrees with us than we are with the actual safety of innocent people in our own country.
 

Some say that we self-identify so strongly with gun ownership that we refuse to accept the statistical reality that the United States has the highest rate of firearms-related homicides, suicides, and accidental deaths among all developed First World countries.

 

Some people think it’s crass and borderline evil to constantly trot out the completely-irrelevant nuance between an “assault rifle” and a “sporting rifle,” rather than address the indisputable fact – like actual adults – that sporting rifles are regularly responsible for the grisliest mass shootings carried out in our country.

 

Well, you all know me, you know I believe first and foremost in gun safety, which is why I’ve trained my 4 year-old son to be utterly proficient in the use of firearms, something you naysayers would never accept because you insist upon characterizing gun evangelists like myself as at best irresponsible and at worst, callous and self-absorbed.

 

Well, I’m sitting here in my truck, with my 4 year-old son in the back seat, and I’m here to tell you that OH SHIT!  OH MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!

 

HOLY SHITTING FUCK!  HOLY SHITTING FUCK THAT HURTS!  FUCK THAT HURTS!!!  FUCKING FUCKING FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!

 

Oh Christ!  Oh sweet Jesus Christ!  Oh God!  Oh God!  Oh, don’t let me die, here!  Oh God!

 

Honey!  Oh fucking shitting FUCK, my back!  Honey, put mommy’s gun down!  Mommy’s not angry… mommy just needs you to put the gun down, she just needs you to put the handgun that she left sitting next to you – loaded – in the back seat down, and not shoot mommy in the GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BACK AGAIN!

 

Don’t cry… don’t cry, honey.  I said don’t CRY!  I’M the one who was SHOT!!!  What are YOU crying for???

 

Oh sweet Lord… oh sweet Lord in Heaven… if you see me through this I swear, I swear I will NOT learn a single thing from this experience and I’ll continue to champion unfettered gun ownership throughout the United States like an irresponsible narcissist.

 

I swear.

 

Holy SHIT this hurts!

 

Editor’s Note:  Jamie Gilt is an outspoken proponent for gun ownership who was actually, literally shot in the back by her own 4 year-old son.  That’s a thing that really happened in the real world.  She survived and, to date, has learned nothing from the incident.

 

 

Old Photograph Irrefutable Evidence of Trump/Clinton Collusion

The previously-unreleased photograph that has upended American Politics as we know it (Getty/AP)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    Mar. 5, 2016

WASHINGTON – People around the United States today reacted to the news that in 2005, Hillary Clinton was photographed with Republican Presidential Candidate, Donald Trump, unveiling an unimaginable reality where politicians and media personalities might sometimes come into social contact.

The photo – which depicts Hillary and Bill Clinton at the wedding between Donald Trump and Melania Knauss – has caused a major stir not only within Clinton’s campaign, but has also shaken American culture to its core.

James Carville, renowned political strategist, was uncharacteristically flummoxed by the revelation.  “I mean this just blows the lid off of American politics,” exclaimed a barely-coherent Carville.  “It’s almost as if there are different social and economic groups in the US, and it’s almost as if members of these groups will at times cluster together in gatherings.  For example, did you know that Hollywood actors have – for generations now – assembled once a year for a huge gathering known as the “Oscars?”  Why, just the other day I was walking past the local barbershop and everyone in there – I mean, everyone – came from generally the same neighborhood and economic background!  You can’t tell me that’s some sort of coincidence.  There’s something deeper at play, here.”

Mustafa Emirbayer, Professor of Sociology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, told reporters that, “the fact that a wealthy American was in the same room at the same time with a politician proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that they’re in cahoots.  It was Trump’s wedding for crying out loud!  Isn’t it a little suspicious that a politician would make an appearance at a rich man’s wedding?  These things just never, ever, ever happen.  And if they do happen then that’s just… I mean.. that’s just the most mind-blowing thing imaginable.”

Former CIA Director R. James Woolsey, Jr., had deeper insight into the affair than most.  “This can only speak to a massive conspiracy at the highest levels of government,” said Woolsey.  “We don’t know how far this rabbit hole goes.  This Trump wedding is really just the tip of the iceberg when you start talking about collusion in American politics.  Aside from the Clintons, how many other of the over 400 guests at that wedding are also part of Trump’s conspiracy?  They all must be.  Did you know that Shaqille O’Neal, Matt Lauer, Katie Couric, Tony Bennett and Billy Joel were also there?  Billy Joel?  Suspicious, don’t you think?  And that’s only a dozen people!  Imagine the other 380 or so people we don’t know about who very well also may have been in a photo with Trump.”

The revelation that Clinton and Trump occupied adjacent physical space at a private function attended by 400 people has turned American politics inside-out, and has been heroically disseminated across the internet by a brave network of Bernie Sanders supporters.

When reached for comment, Bernie Sanders placed his face in his hands and wept softly.

“I was right,” he whispered between sobs.  “This whole time… I was right.”

Texas Open-Carry Enthusiast Excited to Show Everyone His Penis

Harlan Dixon, 37, prematurely ejaculates his 9mm penis directly into his own thigh (Harlan Dixon)

By DOUGLAS HELLER    Jan. 7, 2016

ROCKPORT, TX – With the state of Texas recently passing a new round of open-carry laws, excited local residents are ecstatic about the opportunity to go out and about with their fully-loaded penises on display for the entire community to see.

“Can you just imagine,” said Harlan Dixon, gleefully.  “I’m just out, walking around and some bank robbers try to kidnap the sheriff’s daughter and I’m like ‘bang-bang!’  And I shoot the bad guys and save the day!  And then the sheriff’s daughter and I make out afterwards and even go all the way!”

Harlan Dixon is one of thousands of Texans celebrating the state’s new open-carry laws, allowing gun owners to walk the streets with loaded surrogate penises flagrantly exposed.  Few were as excited about the chance to show the entire world his new rock-hard penis as Mr. Dixon, who spoke to reporters today regarding the new laws.

“Look, I’m just a simple man,” said Dixon, “A simple man who is terrified of the real world and who needs to hide himself in a fantasy land of wild west American exceptionalism.  For too long I’ve had to face a world full of complexities, people with different nuanced viewpoints, groups and situations that don’t fit neatly into a child’s fairy tale of good versus evil, a fairy tale where I’m always cartoonishly-good and the others – whoever they may be – are always cartoonishly-evil.  Until now, I’ve had to retreat to the comfort of my home or go to the shooting range to pretend that I’m the hero of my own personal action movie but now I’m free to go out into the world with an artifact of my delusion, making it all the more real and making me all the more assured in my naive and simplistic view of reality.  Emboldened, I can finally impose my petulance upon the real world, whether anyone likes it or not.”

Dixon went on to proudly display the 9mm-chambered security blanket strapped to his belt, beaming.  “Now I can walk around and put the thought in people’s minds, ‘Is that guy a school shooter?  Is he a domestic terrorist?  I’m so scared of him!  He looks so self-assured and powerful with that loaded pistol holstered jauntily on his manly hip!’  And if someone dares to stop me or approach me or even if they look like they might be in fear of their lives because a stranger with a loaded weapon is strolling around grinning like the cat who ate the canary, I’ll just whip out my open-carry card and say, ‘Sorry, boy, but this is America and in America, I have rights.'”

While Dixon is understandably excited about the opportunity to walk around with his fully-loaded Sig Sauer 226 penis for all to see, unabashedly exercising his right to primarily put strangers at extreme unease to satisfy his own fragile sense of self-worth and power, he is also prepared to take his fight for his 2nd Amendment rights much further.

“There are some local businesses that have expressed concern at allowing people to open-carry in their establishments.  Well, I’ll tell you what:  we didn’t let that fly in 2014 and we won’t let it fly, now.”

Referring to an incident where gun owners showed up to a Target store with fully-loaded semi-automatic rifles because Target chose not to allow weapons on its property, Dixon continued,  “Some people think that the right for a private citizen or a private business to say who can or who can’t be in their store or on their property with a loaded weapon supersedes my need to constantly advertise my internalized impotence by having a loaded weapon on me at all times.  Well, those people are about to get a serious wake up call, because if you think you can keep the 2nd Amendment and my cowardly fixation on weapons that really serve no practical day-to-day purpose – except to shoot other people – at bay, then you’ve got another think coming!”

Visibly worked-up and trembling, Dixon stroked the cold steel teddy bear holstered on his hip until he calmed down before continuing, “Anyway, as I was saying, my freedom to now walk around the state of Texas, advertising my contempt for the safety of the general population as well as my insular fear of the real world, is what our ancestors fought and died for, and it’s a right that never hurt anyone… as far as my fertile imagination tells me.”

At press time, Dixon had accidentally shot himself in the thigh with his deadly surrogate penis.

Man Who Enjoys Mocking the Disabled is Actually Extremely Disabled

Republican Presidential front-runner, Donald Trump, seen here both mocking – and being – a disabled person (CNN)

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS    Dec. 28, 2015

COLUMBIA, SC – Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump caused a stir last month when he appeared to mock physically-disabled reporter Serge Kovaleski at a rally in South Carolina, raising concerns that Trump’s apparent mental disability could affect his bid for the Presidency.

Those close to Trump’s campaign were quick to allay concerns about the candidate’s behavior.  One campaign worker, speaking under condition of anonymity, reported that, “For someone in his situation, he’s really come a long way.  He loves it that people love him.  That’s good for him, you know?  The last thing any of us want to do is rain on the little guy’s parade.”

Trump, a real-estate magnate with a tenuous business sense who inherited his wealth, managed to turn a nearly $200 million inheritance from his father into $4 billion, which, according to financial adviser Alvin Hall, “would be considered impressive until you address the fact that simply by prudently investing the inheritance, he would have about $10 billion more than he currently does.”  Hall, who grew up in poverty and owes his financial success to the lessons imparted to him by his grandmother at an early age, went on to say, “After a couple decades of astonishing financial ineptitude, four bankruptcies and a simply massive amount of government assistance, corporate welfare, and bailouts, it’s pretty clear that the fellow has no concept of money or how to handle it.”  Hall shook his head, adding, “Poor little guy.”

“He seems to have a lot of difficulty expressing himself in accordance with polite society,” said Marilyn S. Albert, Ph.D., Director of Cognitive Neuroscience at Johns Hopkins.  “You can see by the manner in which he communicates that he’s more interested in how people react to him, rather than the ideas he’s communicating. ”  Referring to Trump’s various comments about female public figures, Albert added, “He certainly has a fascination with women and their anatomy, which is understandable for someone like him.  It’s natural but again, he doesn’t know how to express it properly.  His very vocal fixations with Megyn Kelly’s menstrual cycle and Hillary Clinton’s excretions are partially his way of coming to terms with a sexuality he isn’t mentally-prepared to confront, but mostly, he sees the kind of reactions those fixations create, and he sees it as positive because it gives him more attention.  He’s clearly very attention-focused and becomes very agitated when he isn’t the center of attention, which is something you see a lot in cases like his, the poor dear.”

When approached for comment, Ivanka Trump, Donald Trump’s daughter, said that, “Well, sometimes he doesn’t really seem to understand the things that he’s saying.  Like, maybe he sees something on TV and just repeats it, much later, and no one really has any idea where he got it.”  Referring to an interview the Presidential candidate gave in 2003 where he stated, “I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her,” Ms. Trump cringed, “I know that to hear someone say that is pretty disturbing – particularly in reference to my posing nude in a men’s magazine – but you have to remember that he doesn’t really get a lot of the stuff he says, he just says it.”  Ms. Trump frowned and sighed, adding, “Poor, poor sweet dad.”

Analyzing a recording of a recent Trump rally, political strategist James Carville offered a different perspective.  “When you see what he’s doing, it’s actually brilliant,” exclaimed Carville.  “It’s like he’s on a whole different level!  It’s a multi-dimensional chess game at its best!  Just think about it:  You pander to the most unhinged, racist, sexist, borderline-fascist elements of the GOP and you get the nomination by proving beyond a doubt that the foundation of the party has been rotted out by the extremists, and then you use the votes of those very people to catapult yourself into office!  Once you’re there you implement across-the-board progressive policies, completely contradictory to your platform and your supporters.  You expose the GOP for the fools that they are and establish a progressive, liberal agenda at the same time!  It’s simply brilliant… it’s just… it’s….”  Carville then hanged his head, “No… no, I can’t do this.  I can’t.  It’s not right.  I mean, just look at that poor little fellow.  Just look at him.”

As of press time, Donald Trump could not be reached for comment, as he is still hard at work on the campaign trail, and still very, very mentally-disabled, bless his heart.

 

United States Military Once Again Stopped Dead in its Tracks by Well-Armed Populace

A USMC sniper team is recalled to base in Illinois after intelligence indicated that a teenager in nearby Centralia, IL owns an AR-15 rifle, forcing the US military to cease its latest attempt to impose martial law on the nation (Daryl Redmond/AP)

 

By DOUGLAS HELLER    Dec. 28, 2015

WASHINGTON – Citing a citizenry armed with an increasing number of semi-automatic handguns, easily-modifiable sporting rifles and a number of hunting rifles, the United States Military was forced to abandon its imperative of imposing nation-wide martial law.

Paul J. Selva, Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, voiced his disappointment with yet another failed attempt by the US government to impose its will upon an ever-vigilant populace.

“Once again,” said Selva, “we have been thwarted.  Despite years of planning and decades of experience earned from our previous attempts to turn the entirety of the United States into a dystopian, fascist regime through our use of superior military force, we were again outmatched by millions of Americans who own civilian and – in some cases – military-grade firearms.”

Major General Stephen M. Twitty, commander of the 1st Armored Division, stated that “Our armored brigades, capable of rapid tactical deployment into direct combat against ground forces, can’t hold a candle to the overwhelming might of a disorganized population of gun owners.  While it’s been demonstrated time and time again that military-styled civilian rifles pose no threat whatsoever to the general citizenry, a semi-automatic AR-15 is the only tool capable of stopping an M1A2 Abrams tank dead in its tracks.”

Admiral Michael S. Rogers, commander of the United States Cyber Command also expressed disappointment.  “We always assumed that our operatives’ inconceivable level of technical acumen, coupled with the near-total computerization of this country’s infrastructure would give us an advantage over the flow of information and resources throughout the nation,” lamented Rogers.  “But how are we supposed to utilize our vastly superior technology to utterly cut off the entire Eastern Seaboard’s access to power, communication, water and emergency services if some kid in Alabama just taught himself to bump-fire his sporting rifle?  Or because some guy in California owns a .50 caliber sniper rifle?  How are we supposed to contend with that?  We’re dead in the water.”

Drone operator Sgt. Megan Hoffman confirmed that her unit’s operations had also been severely compromised by an armed citizenry, essentially rendering the military’s thousands of unmanned drones impotent.

“You’d think that sporting rifles were only good for mass shootings or tragic accidents,” said Hoffman, “but in reality, they’re the only thing preventing someone like me from performing a point-blank tactical missile strike against a target the size of a keyhole with a supernatural level of accuracy using a joystick and a keyboard from the safety of a control room five hundred miles away.  How is an unmanned drone operator like me supposed to compete with someone who owns a Bushmaster ACR?  Thank heavens that no one in ISIS has access to sporting rifles, or I’d be out of a job.”

Meanwhile, armed citizen Luke Andrew Bowman, 24, of Oregon, was still reeling from accidentally shooting his two year-old niece in the face while he was cleaning a loaded .45 caliber pistol earlier this week.

Reached for comment, Bowman said “I mean, it was scary to accidentally shoot my niece right in her face like that, sure.  But if I was to get rid of my gun, there’d be nothing to prevent President Obama from targeting my home with a nuclear strike.  My niece’s face is a small price to pay when weighed against the perpetual threat of government tyranny.”

Michael Moore Apologizes After Scathing Twitter Criticism from Miss Puerto Rico

Michael Moore (left), Academy Award-Winning filmmaker and activist and Destiny Velez, beauty pageant-winner with a Twitter account (AP)

By MIRANDA SAUNDERS   Dec. 19, 2015

FLINT, MI – Filmmaker Michael Moore, a bombastic media personality with thirty years of experience in crafting Academy Award-winning documentary films, made an emotional appeal to the press today, apologizing for his decades-long body of progressive activism and divisive work after an incisive Twitter take-down on his opinion of Islam by Destiny Vélez, Miss Puerto Rico.

Earlier this week, Moore protested Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s Islamophobic rhetoric by holding a sign reading “We Are All Muslim” outside of Trump Towers until the police requested that he leave.  The low-key, one-man protest drew a deluge of ire from the media, but none quite as insightful and damning as that of Miss Vélez.

Vélez, a person with a Twitter account, working thumbs and functioning motor skills, lambasted the filmmaker via social media over his stunt at Trump Towers, a scathing rebuttal to his protest that has had a profound impact on his worldview and his personal politics.

“All what Muslims have done is provided oil & terrorize this country & many others!!!!!!” wrote Miss Vélez, whose success at demonstrating beauty and poise on a stage in front of a panel of judges has provided her with a keen and nuanced grasp of international politics.

“Muslims use our constitution to terrorize USA & plant gas stations,” Tweeted Miss Vélez, “all they do is build their mosques, feel offended by American values and terrorize innocent Americans and plant gas stations and get guns and kills innocent ppl and destroy precious artifacts”

“I never really though about things that way,” confided Moore.  “I know I can be obnoxious at times, and I always thought that I was coming from a position that supported a healthy, inclusive worldview but now I’m not so sure.”

“I honestly hadn’t taken into account the fact that Muslims come here and plant gas stations,” lamented Moore. “But they do, they irrefutably do.  To some, Miss Vélez’s statements might sound like a nonsensical racist diatribe with no basis in reality – or, basic grammar for that matter – but it really struck at the heart of me.  It really made me think.”

Miss Puerto Rico’s detailed and impassioned analysis of the issue of Islamophobia in modern culture, including such insights as “Muslims cover their women so I don’t think they worship pageants,” stymied Moore.

“I’ve already abandoned my most recent project,” said Moore, who is instead underway on a documentary tentatively titled Perpetual Jihad: America Under Threat.  “Basically, the new film will explore how all Muslims are evil, how they hate beauty pageants and how they plant gas stations.”  Moore shook his head sadly, “My god… the gas stations.”

His eyes welling up with tears, Moore concluded, “I can’t believe I’ve been so blind for so long.  Thank heavens for Miss Puerto Rico.”

Miss Vélez could not be reached for comment.  Sources close to the beauty pageant winner confirmed that she was screaming obscenities at a bush that she had mistaken for Michael Moore.