Asshole Enjoys Walking Around Neighborhood with Assault Rifle

Daniel Kovacevic, 25 (left) shows solidarity with another unidentified asshole over a white person’s freedom to carry an assault rifle in the state of Ohio without fear of being shot on-sight by the police (Phil Masturzo/Akron Beacon Journal)

 

By QASEEM KASSEM    January 3, 2016

AKRON, OH – In a state most-recently enshrined as the state where 12 year-old African-American boy, Tamir Rice was gunned down by police officers for having a toy gun in his waistband, local Akron asshole Daniel Kovacevic, 25, is a white man who enjoys spending his time walking around neighborhoods with an assault rifle.

First drawing the attention of locals on Dec. 4th of last year, the asshole was stopped by local barber Deone Slater who – unsure of whether the gun-toting asshole’s intentions were threatening to the lives of the community – confronted him on the sidewalk, refusing to let him pass. When the asshole called the police, the police responded immediately and rushed to the asshole’s aid.  Akron Police Officer, Liuetenant Rick Edwards said that the department had already received eight calls warning about a white asshole with an assault rifle in the neighborhood but took no action because, “We’re in a pickle, stuck in the middle,” according to Edwards. “We can’t violate his rights.”

In a state where John Crawford III – an African-American man – was killed by police in a Wal-Mart for holding a BB gun, where Tenisha Anderson – an African-American woman – was killed in police custody and where Tamir Rice – an African-American boy – was shot to death in a park by the police, in a country where there have been over 100 shootings on school and college campuses since 2010, it would make sense that Slater – an African-American man – would be made uneasy by the double-edged sword of seeing a man with an assault rifle near the close-by University of Akron while being made a likely target of the police for carrying a gun, himself.

Slater brought up the issue of the police in Ohio killing black men – and boys – on-sight who may or may not be armed, but took no action when a white man walked around with an assault rifle near a college campus despite several calls to the authorities.  Kovacevic, the asshole, said that there was no issue with race and police response in this country.  Like most assholes, when confronted with the uncomfortable reality of disproportionate police response across racial lines in the United States, Kovacevic claimed that he sees past race and – therefore – it isn’t actually a factor.

Kovacevic, who somehow becomes more of an asshole with each passing moment, said that he needs to carry weapons to protect himself and that everyone should do so, ignoring the fact that African-Americans in his state would very likely be shot for exercising the exact same right as he.  “I believe things would be better if everyone had guns,” said Kovacevic.  He claimed that his armed appearance deters people from interfering with him – except for Slater – who interfered with him precisely because of his armed appearance.

When reached for comment on Kovacevic’s assertion that criminals are most certainly scared-off by an armed citizenry, William Coleman III of Gresham, Oregon – who was practicing his right to open-carry when a criminal stole his own gun from him on Oct. 7th of last year – said, “Wow. That Kovacevic guy sounds like a total asshole.”

As of press time, Kovacevic is still an asshole.

‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ Flops at Box Office

Pictured:  characters nobody cares about, from a movie no one will see (AP)

By JONATHAN KIM    Dec. 28, 2015

LOS ANGELES – Fulfilling the direst of predictions from earlier this year, the December release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a monumental failure, both critically and commercially.

2015 saw a growing push-back against what small segments of the viewing public saw as progressive politics being inserted into beloved film franchises, with accusations of a liberal or feminist agenda informing such films as Mad Max: Fury Road and Star Wars: The Force Awakens.

Indeed, prominent Canadian film critic Aaron Clarey, well-known for his keen grasp of popular culture, decried Fury Road as feminist propaganda that depicted women in leadership roles, something that is impossible and unheard of in the real world.  Of the film – the fourth in the iconic Australian film franchise that is a hallmark of uniquely-Australian culture – Clarey wrote that the movie was, “guaranteed to be nothing more than feminist propaganda… a piece of American culture ruined.”

While Clarey and other online commentators – many identifying as right-wingers or “white nationalists on paper” – tried to warn the viewing public against the slow creep of feminist propaganda, the studios were not deterred.  Sadly, Fury Road opened to empty theaters, essentially bankrupting Warner Brothers overnight.

Similar to the Fury Road debacle, Disney’s new Star Wars film allegedly features not only a woman, but also a man of color as its two protagonists, a sure indicator that this latest entry in the beloved science-fiction franchise is another Trojan-horse attempt to brainwash audience members with progressive propaganda.

Renowned Canadian film critic and household name, Davis M.J. Aurini, being staunchly pro-white and anti-feminism, wrote of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, “the underlying message of the movie is that men – and White men in particular – are useless, destructive failures,” and encouraged audiences to stay away.

Undeterred by the negative feedback as well as the “ironically” racist Twitter hashtag, #BoycottStarWarsVII, which gained traction among the general viewing public in October of this year, Disney released Star Wars: The Force Awakens during the Christmas season.  Sadly, in a repeat of the Mad Max: Fury Road release, Star Wars opened to empty theaters, with Disney suffering losses in the billions.

“We’re flabbergasted,” said Bob Iger, CEO of The Walt Disney Company.  “We thought we’d be able to sneak our nefarious subliminal messages of female superiority, miscegenation and the impotence of the White Man into this film and brainwash the viewing public.  We just never believed we’d have a repeat of Fury Road on our hands.”

While Disney suffered a massive hit, with The Force Awakens failing to sell even a single ticket, Iger was optimistic about the company’s future.  “We’ve certainly learned from this mistake,” said Iger.  “Where we initially thought that the criticisms levied against the film were coming from a very backwards, regressive minority of racists and misogynists, we understand now that the world just isn’t ready for things like a female protagonist, or a black main character.”

As of press time, Disney had announced that it will be recouping its losses with a re-make of the silent-era classic, The Birth of a Nation.  The D.W. Griffith film that depicted the Ku Klux Klan as triumphant heroes in post-Civil War America will be helmed by Mel Gibson.  Bruce Willis will star.  No women or people of color will appear in the film.

J.J. Abrams, director of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, will never work in Hollywood again.

Two Armed White Suspects Mercifully Taken Alive After Attempting to Murder Police Officers

Jack Welninski (left) and Kenneth Maldonado (center) were subdued and arrested very much alive after ambushing Northwood, OH police with a sawed-off shotgun.  John H. Crawford III (right) was immediately killed by the police for carrying a toy gun in a Wal-Mart (AP)

By QASEEM KASSEM    Dec. 20, 2015

NORTHWOOD, OH – Officer Krystal Sellers-Kominek, a Northwood officer-in-training, spoke to the press today on the heels of a shooting that tragically left one suspect – a white woman – dead, but two white male suspects mercifully alive.

Accompanied by Northwood police Chief Thomas Cairl, Sellers-Kominek detailed her role in the shooting, stating that, “After the male suspect – who was white – broke away and led us on a chase, one or both of the other suspects – who were also white – ambushed us with gunfire.”

Of all the officers involved in the shootout, Sellers-Kominek was the only one who did not discharge her weapon, while all the other officers waited until they were under clear and direct threat of gunfire before they even considered using deadly force as an option.

When asked why Sellers-Kominek refrained from engaging in the shootout, Chief Cairl fielded the response, saying “Training is unfortunately very unclear in this area.  There are definite procedures in place that virtually every local law-enforcement agency in the country adheres to when – say – engaging with an unarmed black person.  For example, the shooting deaths of Michael Brown, Jr., Juan May, Zikarious Flint, Antoine Dominique Hunter, Jerame C. Reid, Yvette Smith, Emerson Clayton, Jr., Michael Laray Dozer, Jason Harrison, Lavall Hall, Eric Harris, Walter Scott, Brandon Glenn, Kris Jackson, Spencer McCain, Samuel DuBose and the list just goes on and on and on… those are all cut-and-dry, by-the-books shootings.”

“Oh!  And let’s also not forget Tamir E. Rice, who was a little black boy shot within seconds of police response for carrying what the 911 call described as a toy gun, or John H. Crawford III, who was shot to death by police at a Wal-Mart for walking around with a bb gun that he was about to purchase from Wal-Mart.”  Cairl then chuckled to himself, “That’s some fine police work, right there.”

“However,” Chief Cairl continued, “there is no clear-cut response in law-enforcement training in this country for when one or more armed white people – armed in this case with semi-automatic handguns and a sawed-off shotgun – resist arrest, flee the police and then attempt to murder the same police in an ambush,” Cairl shrugged and added, “We can’t just shoot white people, you know, which is why I feel that Officer Sellers-Kominek, by not shooting at the white suspects, fulfilled her duty to a greater capacity than the senior Officers involved.”

The senior officers involved in the shooting, who fired upon the white suspects, have all been suspended without pay pending an investigation by an outside agency and will presumably be fired.

Tragically, one of the white suspects, registered sex-offender Erica Lauro, 22, was killed but thankfully the two white male suspects survived the shootout – which only began after the suspects opened fire on the officers, and not while they were standing before the officers unarmed and with their hands raised – and are being held on bond, alive and well, thank merciful god.