Asshole Enjoys Walking Around Neighborhood with Assault Rifle

Daniel Kovacevic, 25 (left) shows solidarity with another unidentified asshole over a white person’s freedom to carry an assault rifle in the state of Ohio without fear of being shot on-sight by the police (Phil Masturzo/Akron Beacon Journal)

 

By QASEEM KASSEM    January 3, 2016

AKRON, OH – In a state most-recently enshrined as the state where 12 year-old African-American boy, Tamir Rice was gunned down by police officers for having a toy gun in his waistband, local Akron asshole Daniel Kovacevic, 25, is a white man who enjoys spending his time walking around neighborhoods with an assault rifle.

First drawing the attention of locals on Dec. 4th of last year, the asshole was stopped by local barber Deone Slater who – unsure of whether the gun-toting asshole’s intentions were threatening to the lives of the community – confronted him on the sidewalk, refusing to let him pass. When the asshole called the police, the police responded immediately and rushed to the asshole’s aid.  Akron Police Officer, Liuetenant Rick Edwards said that the department had already received eight calls warning about a white asshole with an assault rifle in the neighborhood but took no action because, “We’re in a pickle, stuck in the middle,” according to Edwards. “We can’t violate his rights.”

In a state where John Crawford III – an African-American man – was killed by police in a Wal-Mart for holding a BB gun, where Tenisha Anderson – an African-American woman – was killed in police custody and where Tamir Rice – an African-American boy – was shot to death in a park by the police, in a country where there have been over 100 shootings on school and college campuses since 2010, it would make sense that Slater – an African-American man – would be made uneasy by the double-edged sword of seeing a man with an assault rifle near the close-by University of Akron while being made a likely target of the police for carrying a gun, himself.

Slater brought up the issue of the police in Ohio killing black men – and boys – on-sight who may or may not be armed, but took no action when a white man walked around with an assault rifle near a college campus despite several calls to the authorities.  Kovacevic, the asshole, said that there was no issue with race and police response in this country.  Like most assholes, when confronted with the uncomfortable reality of disproportionate police response across racial lines in the United States, Kovacevic claimed that he sees past race and – therefore – it isn’t actually a factor.

Kovacevic, who somehow becomes more of an asshole with each passing moment, said that he needs to carry weapons to protect himself and that everyone should do so, ignoring the fact that African-Americans in his state would very likely be shot for exercising the exact same right as he.  “I believe things would be better if everyone had guns,” said Kovacevic.  He claimed that his armed appearance deters people from interfering with him – except for Slater – who interfered with him precisely because of his armed appearance.

When reached for comment on Kovacevic’s assertion that criminals are most certainly scared-off by an armed citizenry, William Coleman III of Gresham, Oregon – who was practicing his right to open-carry when a criminal stole his own gun from him on Oct. 7th of last year – said, “Wow. That Kovacevic guy sounds like a total asshole.”

As of press time, Kovacevic is still an asshole.

Justice Scalia Offers Dissenting Opinion on Fisher v University of Texas

Justice Antonin Scalia (left) and Justice Clarence Thomas discuss Fisher v University of Texas (Jordan Hamilton/AP)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    Dec. 18, 2015

WASHINGTON – Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, after hearing opinions from Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Justice Sonia Sotomayor, weighed in with his dissenting opinion on Fisher v University of Texas, today.

“Oh shooda, ah, manga wanjee kohkpah.  Peecha wahnjee kohkpa tahng nahngee toochantkee troi,” began Scalia, addressing the lawsuit that has seen an academically-average white student attempt to claim discrimination for not getting into the college of her choice.

Scalia reaffirmed his initial view of the case, saying that “Yoobah koh ra doh ka mallo wampa mah yass ka chung kawah wookiee,” implying that he had not been convinced by the defense’s arguments.

“Ya koon tacha poonoo nee sah, gee,” Scalia added, “Pah. Manga wonjee kohkpa, oong Jedi. Chool kanya wee shaja mee-choo.”

Scalia, who is well-known for being a strict constructionist as well as an iron-fisted Hutt crime lord from the planet Tatooine, reminded his fellow justices that “Il yabba ma dookee mahs tah, icht boong cheekoh pahn na green nahp meet’noh toh pohnkee dohkoh lah choya!”

Scalia then swallowed a Klatooine paddy frog whole, before licking his lips with his enormous tongue and patting his expansive green belly.  He concluded his opinion by paraphrasing a previous statement on the issue of college admissions and affirmative action, saying, “Like I said before, blacks would be better off in slower schools, anyways.”

Scalia then departed for the Pit of Carkoon, where he intends to oversee the execution of Luke Skywalker and Han Solo from the comfort of his personal pleasure barge.

White Person Too Dumb to Understand Discrimination Upset She Didn’t Get Into a Better School

Abigail Fisher (left), about to say something pretty dumb while attorney Bert Rein waits his turn (Toni Cheade/AP)

By ELAINE KULINSKA    Dec. 17, 2015

AUSTIN, TX – Abigail Fisher, a very dumb white person from Texas accustomed to getting whatever she wants pretty much all the time, met the press today ahead of going before the Supreme Court of the United States for a second time.

Abigail, who suffers from an inability to understand even slightly-nuanced concepts like discrimination, addressed the press.

“White people in the United States – especially in my home state of Texas – have suffered discrimination for far too long.”

Abigail’s struggle and ensuing court battle – arguably one of the dumbest to go before the United States Supreme Court in its two hundred and twenty-five year history – hinges entirely upon the fact that she didn’t get something that she wanted this one time.

Rejected from the University of Texas for not satisfying academic standards, Abigail reiterated the dumbness of her struggle by reminding the press that, “The year I was rejected, other people were accepted… people who aren’t me.  Some of those people weren’t white. If that doesn’t prove that the college was engaged in systemic discrimination against whites, I don’t know what does.  I’m not dumb, that’s outright racism.”

Abigail, who is dumb, then took questions from the press.

When asked how she could consider her rejection from the University of Texas racial discrimination when only five applicants of color were accepted, while 168 applicants of color who possessed Abigail’s same academic qualifications were likewise rejected, Abigail simply stared into space until a reporter snapped his fingers in front of Abigail’s face.

Startled, Abigail shrieked, having clearly forgotten where she was.  Her attorney, Bert Rein, frantically ushered her from the room.

After the Supreme Court of the United States hears Abigail’s case, it will hear arguments from Bruce Godfrey, a Texas man suing Denmark-based LEGO Group after he suffered medical complications from eating an entire Star Wars-themed play set manufactured by the company.